Disgusted of Tumbridge Wells [translation = pissed in San Jose]

Oh dear me no! Well this is frightfully irritating. I don’t like this one at all. I’ll swap this for the old one. [translation = trade] This is not an obsession that I’m happy with at all, as it’s so impractical, not to say intolerable. [translation = for both of us] Can’t he have a practical obsession for a change? Who needs to wash their mouth before they eat or drink? [translation = the inside of it, the oral cavity itself] It’s not as if we don’t already have enough problems with eating and drinking. [translation = challenges] What’s this all about then? Where did this one spring from? Why didn’t I nip it in the bud? [translation = anticipate and ward off] Why isn’t water of just the right temperature more freely available? [translation = tepid] Why isn’t there a water fountain at just the right height at 50 yard intervals in America? [translation = not metres in this instance] What a dreadful country? [Note to self = contact City Planning department with helpful suggestion. N.B. remember to be polite not obsequious]



Why aren’t their taps in every room of the house? [translation = faucets] What idiot architect do I need to track down and pummel? [translation = berate] Why don’t I have sufficient supplies of flannels [translation – wash cloths] for this exercise? Why are so many of them faulty? [translation = sub standard with little strings and threadbare bits] Why is the laundry maid so negligent? [Note to self = research American term for ‘Water Board’?] Why isn’t the sink the right height for him to reach in an emergency washing session? The poor child will have knees like aubergines at this rate. [translation = eggplants] Why can’t I see this supposed ‘fur’ in his mouth? Why don’t I have x-ray vision instead of bifocals? Why am I so badly designed?

There again, although the meltdowns are all level 10 in volume, he’s not static. [translation = horizontal] He is proactive. [translation = trying to fix the problem himself] The flannels have a handy way of muffling the noise a bit. At least I have over 50 flannels already, which I should be able to recycle, if I get my act together. [translation = fire the laundry maid] The flannel and water, help to desensitize his mouth, which makes eating easier for him, when he eventually gets around to that evolution. [translation = starvation is imminent] It’s a positive step in the direction of oral hygiene, which is especially beneficial for someone with a smattering of British genes.

He has to use his hands. He has to use both of his hands. His hands have to co-operate with each other. They have to get wet. Dribbles sometimes run down his arms, almost reaching his body. I wouldn’t go as far as to say he’s tolerating it, but he’s getting there, and at current rates of speed and frequency, he’s going to get there jolly fast. [translation = quickly]


His hands have to use the taps, manipulate them to get the water in advance of receiving the reward. [translation = relief] That’s a challenge for someone with poor fine motor skills and planning. [translation = dodgy fingers and difficulty with seeing ahead] That involves waiting, [translation = delayed gratification] a condition that many struggle with.



Note close proximity of delicate digits to averse texture!
Thank goodness for gravity.

I suspect another bravery award is in the offing? [translation = appropriate]