Do unto others

We attempt rational review rather than ranting and raving. Why is it that I have to herd cats with jelly legs [translation = children] whereas HE sweeps about with a school of well trained fish? [translation = children] I try and keep the tone of ‘grossly unfair’ out of my voice, during the discussion. What is it that he does or doesn’t do, that I am do wrongly or not doing? What is the difference? He shrugs his shoulders with a blank expression in return. I try again to extract the pertinent facts from my husband. What is his secret? Why won’t he share?

On the whole, due to spouse’s commitment to work [translation = voluntary servitude] he isn’t home very much. When he is at home, during the weekend, [translation = sometimes but not necessarily awake] he will often take the children out for a jaunt. [translation = especially lately due to maternal malfunctioning] During such occasions, small people remain vertical and move about as a unit. This is in direct contrast with my own experience where those same small people either lie down or run away or both. Now this is a man who might directly benefit from such behaviours. [translation = weight issues, diabetes and high cholesterol mean that frantic burst of exercise would be a plus] I should really like someone to explain why our experiences are directly opposed? Who should I ask? The perpetrator. [translation = the man with parenting superpowers]

His excursions with the children are not without event, but it’s a question of the order of magnitude. [translation = Richter scale.] It has long been my experience that I have failed to perform to the standards that others expect. [translation = could do better] Generally I hover between E for effort and F for failure. For myself, I am content with ‘better than yesterday.’ [translation = slacker] Be that as it may, for the most part, I am more than happy to cheat and lie to gain a better grade, and for the right now, I long to plagiarize, but he won’t give me as much as a peek.

“What?” he asks.
“What what? I didn’t say anything?”
“You didn’t have to, I can see your question written all over your face.”
“Really! How very astute of you. So what is the answer then oh great one?”
“22.”

It's always 22, regardless of the question.