Suck on that you Rich Vandal!
We continue our conversation regarding my "unfortunate purchase," of a sound machine as a sleep aid. [translation = extravagant whim]
“I still don’t really understand why you bought it in the first place?”
“I had only the very best of intentions.”
“Maybe, but these impulse buys are always a mistake.” [translation = the road to Hell]
“I was under extreme duress at the time.”
“Oh you had them all with you then.”
“Yup, in Target.”
“Well that was your first mistake.”
“Target or taking the children?”
“Both really now I come to think of it.”
“I only went there for two things, milk, a birthday card and the sound machine.”
“That’s three!” [translation = clocks the mathematically challenged person]
“Well I was only going to look at the sound machines not actually buy one right away.”
“Definitely two then, because ‘looking’ and ‘children’ are mutually exclusive tasks. So what went wrong?”
“I had one lying on my feet, but that was sort of o.k. because at least he was static. She wanted to go and look at the toys, but I needed us to stay together and junior was so noisy I couldn’t think straight.”
“Motormouth?”
“Exactly.”
“Rhymes or numbers?”
“Counting.”
“Is 5000 still his favourite number?”
“Yes, but you know how it is, if he gets distracted or interrupted, then he has to start again from the beginning.”
“With accompanying meltdown?”
“Only level 7 meltdowns, as having a meltdown interfered with his ability to start counting again.”
“What fun!”
“That’s one description, I can think of many others.”
“Anyway. The sound machine?”
“He picked one up, clutched it to his chest and wouldn’t let go.”
“Unusual for him, he’s not usually interested in anything so mundane.” [translation = anything that isn't a Pokemon]
“I thought it was odd too. Then he kept asking if we could take it home.”
“Which interrupted the counting, which brought about another meltdown.”
“How come you know this family so well? It was bedlam, believe me.”
“You don’t usually capitulate in the ‘buy me an X’ department. Why did you give in? Bad precedent you know! You’re your own worst enemy.” [translation = stupid]
“Tell me about it. But he was so unusually vehement.”
“Not just his usual tenacity?”
“No, more, much more.”
“Much more what?”
“Can’t quite put my finger on it.”
“Hey, give me the box a minute.” She examines the empty package. “Did you say that 5000 is still his favourite?”
“Yup.”
“Look at all the numbers on this! Could he have been saying them aloud?”
“I don’t know my brain was numb at the time.”
“Look 5106!”
“Maybe he just wanted it for the number 5000?”
“You think?”
“Well in that case, all you have to do is rip off the numbers of cartons whilst you’re in the store and give them too him. You won’t have to ever actually buy him anything ever again!”
“That’s vandalism! I’ll be had up!” [translation = arrested for product tampering]
“What choice do you have? Vandalism or financial ruin. Jail or the Poor House, you choose?”
My daughter saunters into the room, “you could get him to choose a smaller number!” she offers helpfully. We adults smile indulgently at her generous suggestion, “if only it were that simple dear! But you know him, once he’s got a bee in his bonnet about something there’s no shifting him.”
“No!” she explains patiently. “He didn’t want you to buy it because of the number, he wanted you to bring it home because he hadn’t finished counting to 5106. You could have waited until he reached 5106 and then he’d have put it back on the shelf.” 
Strangely I have no reason to doubt her. [translation = the ring of truth doesn’t need a bell, just a tinkle]
