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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Suck on that!

“Honestly Madz! You’re such a sucker!” offers my worldly wise pal. [translation = American]

{And there was me thinking that it was only Brits who contracted people's name to a single syllable!}

In the background I hear a debate in the family room, first echolalic and then deliberate.
“Mummy is a sucker?”
“No, she is…..suck ….her, you dumbass!”
“A suck her?”
“Yeah, she not a suck him coz she is dah wimmins!”
“Oh right!”
“Mummy is a suck her, Mummy is a suck her, Mummy is a suck her.” It sounds vaguely normal, in a most disconcertingly offbeat manner.
"What it is?"
"What?"
"What it is dah 'suck her'?"
"I don know."
"Mummy is dah bad suck her."
"Yeah she don suck no good."
"Wonky."
"Yeah wonky teef."


I don't think I have often heard my children discuss me. Still you never hear anything good about yourself if you ear wig. Maybe I exist afterall?
“Mummy is a bad suck her, Mummy is a bad suck her, Mummy is a bad suck her,” they chorus and giggle. They add their own sucking noises to punctuate the spaces and display their prowess. I wonder if anyone else is listening?

“So you really think that’s gonna work!” I return my attention to my pal, although I feel a tad uncertain of my ground.
“Yes. Absolutely. It is the perfect solution. Background noise. White noise. It’s exactly what they need to send them off into blissful sleep.”
She peers at the controls, “You really think sticking them in a room with that thing, that thing that makes waterfall sounds is good for them? He’ll think he’s drowning, you’ll traumatize the little guy.” I look at the options, “I don’t suppose ‘rain’ will do it either?” I mumble. “It does have volume control and a timer!”

“Maybe you could rip that chip out of the machine and install it in the kids?” As always, she has a valid point.
“I’m sure I saw the ‘guaranteed’ words somewhere.”
“Guaranteed to what though? Make you poorer!”
“Money back!”


“So what’s the theory, come on! Tell me, give me a laugh!”
“Don’t be so scathing, I’ve put a lot of thought into this purchase.”
“Oh yeah, like you’re the Queen of research or what!”
“Sarcasm doesn’t become you! Can't you go back to being a nice American again?"
"You've gotta stop generalizing about Americans, it's unhealthy!" [translation = my personal translator of all things American with the bonus of psychobabble speak]
"Well, anyway. It’s like this. Firstly, it’s a plug in not batteries, so it won’t run out of omph in the middle of the night and send them all bazzy.”
“True, but the 60 minute timer means that they’ll be awake on the hour to turn it back on again.”
“There is that possibility if you’re being negative.”
“Realistic!”


“Whatever. Anyway, the ‘noise’ will mean that it’ll drown out junior’s motor mouth which is driving his brother barmey.”
“You don’t think that the noise of the machine together with motor mouth might just send him over the edge?”
“Can you turn yourself back into a positive minded American again please?"
"Stop generalizing!"
"Anyway, next there are a choice of sounds to meet different people’s perspectives.”
“O.k. so assuming you discount the rain, the waterfall, the rainforest which is also bound to be a bit drippy and the ocean. Far too much water all round for that OCD little guy. So what does that leave you with?”

“Er, heartbeat and summer night.”
“Have you forgotten we live in California? Every night is a summer night, just open the windows.”
“Heartbeat?”
“Sure!" [translation = I'm sure that note of derision is growing.] "You know those nights that you can’t sleep yourself? What can you hear?”
“Er my heartbeat, pulse and breathing?”
“Do you find it helps?”
“Er no,...... it makes it worse.”
“Do you still have the packing and the receipt?”
"Ah.....well.......you see..."
"You Europeans don't have a monopoly on saving the planet you know! We Americans file our receipts first and then recycle."
I would appear that I need to practice my sequencing skills.

14 comments:

Heidi said...

my goodness, I spat out my coffee all over the keyboard, I was laughing so much!! Let me know if that thing works and I'll get one for Sami's room as well to stop the nocturnal yodelling! Not holding my breath, sorry... : )

Joeymom said...

My mom loves hers. We are thinking about getting one for Joey. He insists on hving the fan or a window AC unit going (or a heter in winter) in his room to sleep, and we thought "ocean" woud be lovely for nights none of these things can be on- Joey LOVES the ocean.

Another thing you could try, you can now get alarm clocks that will play a CD instead of just buzzing or snapping on the radio. Then you could play your own, self-selected sounds for the hour.

A Bishops wife said...

We had a fan...then one of those...
we went back to the fan...now we have neither.

I had no idea so many have tried the same thing. My kids talk for hours after they are put to bed...I am too chicken to listen.

Ange said...

I can't stand those things! I find patterns in sounds instantly and then it drives me bonkers (my anxiety level skyrockets!) So when the happy crickets chirping or ocean waves start to repeat (or I anticipate the repeat) through the sequence I want to scream.

My boys listen to an easy listening radio station where this woman (http://www.radiodelilah.com) talks so much in her soft voice that she lulls them to sleep...eventually.

farmwifetwo said...

I taught the eldest to sleep to his mobile, and then his children song tapes. Was ready to have to start the radio.. but he outgrew the need. The little one has finally stopped stimming to fall asleep (thank goodness for weighted blankets) and now reads himself to sleep.

Eldest now... passes out... keep him busy during the day and he's tired...anxiety also makes him tired... and yes, the Risperdal helps.

S.

Karianna said...

Hey, it worked for my mom who has tinitus! But I think I'd have to pee or something.

abfh said...

Thanks for my daily dose of the giggles! I hope your little ones will soon find a more pleasant word to repeat.

I've tagged you for the Thinking Blogger Meme -- enjoy!

Whit said...

My mom used to use one of those things. I'm more of a music in the night kind of guy.

Phoebe Gleeson said...

Bede would scream if we tried it. White noise sends him into a real fit. I think it makes him think of TV static, which is a Bad Thing.

(I personally LOVE them, but hey, I surrendered my own sensory needs when I became the mother of five, soon to be six children, eh?

(My husband is the gizmo-gimmick sucker(him) in this house.)

Frogs' mom said...

Frog's Dad had to have one of those when we lived in Oregon. We were on a somewhat busy street and had neighbors who liked to party late into the night. (could also be that Frog’s Dad grew up with a humidifier in his room). I find patterns and harmonics in the sounds too. When I was over anxious or over tired (I was a law student at the time) my brain would make the sounds into voices that I just could not quite make out - I thought I was loosing it. Now the white noise machine is in Little Frog's room. I don't know if it helps him sleep at night, but it does drown out some of the daytime noise if he is trying to take a nap.

Melissa said...

I hope you can find a setting that will work... if not... I hope you can still take it back... :)

kristina said...

Not exactly related, but the globe and the "background noises" ensuing from it make me think of Charlie and a humidifier we once had purring for some nights.

tegdirb92 said...

my son sleeps with one of these. It works except in those times when the electricity goes off and he screams at the top of his lungs that it's too quiet!! :) I always wondered about the heartbeat sound--hmmm. I MUST sleep with some kind of noise too.

Mom to JBG said...

When I lived in a really loud apartment building, I used to use earplugs And a white noise machine. I thought it was great until I found out I had slept through the fire alarm twice.

All three of my boys go to sleep listening to music, turned up loud.

The sucker conversation killed me!

 
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