Meet Dave

"Single Sentence Movie Review."

Eddie Murphy, the icon for social skills training, what not to do, how and why, with too many giggles to count.

Flu Season –just a lot of hot air

The birthday date approaches with only two of us sporting coughs, colds and possibly flu. The sniffles snuffle through the family as I keep a close eye upon who may or may not be the next victim. I watch for sniffers and snufflers. I’m close at hand with the thermometer for any potential hot heads. I’m stuffed full of tissues ready to plug any leaks. When I hear a different one splutter I pounce, “ooo dear, it sounds as if you’ve caught his cold.”
“I am not be cold.”
“No I meant that you’ve caught his bugs, you’re ill, contaminated.”
“No! Not ill. I am need my birthday.”
“I know dear but you do seem to have a bit of a cough.”
“It not be cough, it be surplus extra borrowed airy in my mouth parts.”
“!”
“Yeah, he don bin borrow my air,” chimes in his older defender.
“Yeah,…….and now it done bin jump back out agin, it’s a jump air not a cough.”
“!”

SOOC Smiley Saturday - cornbread and other poisons

I first came across cornbread at the age of 35 when we first arrived in America and enjoyed a Thanksgiving feast with our pals.

Cornbread is a traditional accompaniment on this occasion but uncommon, relatively speaking, worldwide. Since I am, was, and always will be, a big bread fan, I was keen to sample this new type of unfamiliar fare. I was less keen to try the sweet potato pie but my pals were already aware that I am pudding averse. I would be more than happy to consume every morsel of bread whilst other’s poisoned themselves with sweeties.

As we gathered at the table, gave thanks and shared, I beamed around at my pals. I could already tell that this holiday, Thanksgiving, would become my favourite holiday. We began munching and chatting with bon homie until I took my first welcome bite of cornbread and promptly froze. My mouth was invaded with …….what was it? Cake! I had cake in my mouth and the remnants of gravy. Gravy and cake. Turkey and cake. This could not be. Whichever way I looked at it, this was the worst case of "cognitive dissonance" I had experienced in a long while.

I checked the faces of all the other pilgrims, some foreign, some native and some American. Everyone else was just fine and dandy, with no doodles and a few Yankees. I was perplexed. Could it be that I was the only person who realized that dessert was being consumed during the main course. Could it be that I had the dud, that all the other cornbreads were made of corn and I had the only cake? It seemed unlikely. I made sure that my expression registered ‘yum’ and resisted the urge to spit.

Thereafter I forswore cornbread, once experienced, forever changed. Another American pal advised me that I had been subjected to Jiffy which was not deemed to be authentic. Because I am also an open minded type of a person, I submitted to a second sampling several years later, because it was homemade, because it would be delicious, because it would be quite different from my first experience, although it wasn’t.

Thusly, I confirmed my first instinct, just so no, politely, to the cornbread.

Years have passed since that daunting first flush and second supping, when my son returns home from school. During his day at school, the last day before Thanksgiving, some awfully inspired person had the wherewithal to organize a thankful gift to the family in the presentation of a cornbread mix, beautifully and artistically presented I might add.

He presents it to me.

I peer for a closer look.

“We can……….make it…….together……for tomorrow?” I look into liquid eyes of gentle innocent enquiry.
“Er…..do you like cornbread?”
“I don know.”
“Ah…..well……I’m sure that we’ll squeeze it in somewhere,” I offer as I envisage my oven already overflowing with a turkey and "thirteen accompanying vegetables." The finely tuned countdown schedule, carefully honed over the last decade.

Maybe it’s time for a shake-up? What is the purpose of cooking thirteen different vegetables that no-one eats? How much better to serve cornbread and turkey, which should have a fair to middling chance of consumption?

So it’s probably true to say that some people have to endure a life time of eating humble pie, but I swear it’s still a lot better than cornbread.


Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go and investigate the scream, “O.k. bullet butt, come and get some!”

Get the code:-
Cut and paste
from this little
boxy thing below

<a href="http://www.lighteningonline.com/"><img src="http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q158/mmcewen/smiley-saturday-1.jpg" /></a>

Personal hygiene – dietary change

She whispers because she is considerate and kind, “Mom?”
“Yes dear?”
“I don’t wannabe mean or nuthin……”
“Hmmm?”
“Have you noticed?”
“Noticed what dear?”
“Well he kinda smells…….funny.”
“Funny? What kind of funny?”
“You know.”
“Actually, I really don’t.”
“I don’t know how to describe it.”
“Have a go dear.”
“Well……..he always smells the same……but now……he smells…….he doesn’t smell like him.”
We look at him, both of us as he blinks beneath our stare, wide eyed innocence but with remarkably big ears, “you are fink I stink?”
“No, of course not dear.”
“No I never said you stink, honest.”
“What am I being den?”
I lean forward to sniff him, “don’t be smell me!” he protests with vehemence. “I want to see if it’s you that smells or possibly your clothes?”
“My cloves are not be smell.”
His older, semi silent brother adds his contribution, “he don smell of old Goldfish no more.”
Now whilst I’m not certain what an old Goldfish smells like, I can confirm that he doesn’t smell of baked cheesey crumbs any more, stale or "fresh."

Happy thanks – The icing on the cake

When I was pregnant with my second child, another girl, I enrolled in an aerobics instructor course. I did this because everyone told me that if I ever exercised, I would love it. I knew I would not love it, ever, so I took the course to prove that love would forever be absent.

When I was pregnant with my third child, I bought one of those new fangled runner’s strollers, so that I could run with my two smaller children, and prove to everyone that running was totally hateful, pointless and shrinks your stature as your legs wear out faster than nature intended.

When I was pregnant with my fourth child, my husband gave me a pottery wheel for our wedding anniversary, for some laudable reason best known to himself. I had never had anything to do with clay or pottery. He claimed that it would provide a static creative outlet, and anyway, he had enrolled in a pottery classes in England every year, for several years. The logic, as usual, escaped me, but I knuckled under and hunched myself over my ever increasing bump to make bowls, mass production style.

He was right. It was creative and I remained static but when that last baby finally arrived, I quickly discovered that it was impossible to spend 20 minutes in the garage alone with clay and leave three small children unsupervised. I also learned that after a day with three small children, I lacked the energy to go out into the garage at night when they were all asleep.

I decided that I needed another, non-child related activity, a cheap one that would provide a creative outlet. It had to be something that was indoors, small and something that could occupy one minute or three minutes, here and there, there and here. I opted for cake decorations, sugarpaste because it was a bit like mini sculpture. I would start small. I would practice. By the time the children reached school age maybe I could start a little business enterprise? Something that would not impact too greatly upon my maternal duties.



I had worried that I wouldn’t be able to ‘do’ boys. Boys were always a case of ‘boys will be boys.’ I had lots of experience in de-sensitizing boys. My first victim was my little brother. Given my parents traditionally conservative gene pool, it was my job to tackle the nurture ratio. My sister and I worked on him tirelessly, for over a decade, fashioning him into the perfect male for the modern woman. It was a startling success, until puberty, then all was sadly lost as he reverted to type, because ‘girls don’t like nice guys.’





As it turned out, I had worried needlessly. My boys were affectionate, demonstrative and cuddly. They were the most sensitive boys I had ever come across. They were sensitive to a pin drop, domestic appliances in general and had a horror un-domestic wild bears which some foolish people refer to as teddies. Who were these people that maligned boys so callously and stereotyped them with falsehood?

I distinctly remember a chum calling around to visit one day. On the kitchen counter, in my very small crampt kitchen, were a line of several icing projects in various stages of completion, cribs, flowers, a cornucopia. Because she was a chum, British, she was familiar with this kind of cake decoration, which is far less common in the States. She made an obvious observation:- “I just don’t get it? How can you possibly make things out of sugar with three small children in the house?”
“Oh you know, here and there, there and here.”
“No, I mean……it’s sugar…….the children?” I blinked as I thought. My daughter stole occasionally, but we had reached an understanding. I’d make an extra ‘thing’ for her to eat, as long as she didn’t mangle everything else. It worked. I thought of the boys, both of them. They had never shown any interest in any of the nauseatingly cute animal creations, nor the mini computer for their Dad’s birthday, nor the snake pit for their big sister. I had no explanation and even fewer clues.

I remembered idling at the table, when I was small and freckled and round, whilst my mother drank coffee with her pal once a week, on a Thursday, in the posh shop, whilst I stole sugar cubes with the stealth of the truly motivated. I would help choose the table, radar scanning, so that I could scour the sugar pots to ensure that I had the greatest feast available.

It was very curious.

I thought of all the many cakes I had fashioned, the preponderance of cribs because I belonged to a mum’s club, where mums were always having additional babies. There was a rota to provide meals to new mums. I made my standard chicken pot pie and a chocolate ganache cake with a crib on top, to celebrate the new arrival. All those cribs, white, pink, blue or pale lemon yellow for the indeterminate. How can you tell if ‘Taylor’ is a boy or a girl? But of course boys would not be interested in cribs or babies would they?

I thought of my older boy, his adoration of new borns and toddlers who toddled at a slightly shorter height than him. My adorably sweet and tender son, with six dimples who could read before he was three.

There were so many little moments, insignificant alone but that together, pushed us to one inevitable conclusion. Like at the party. Was it the house warming or a birthday, I forget now. A houseful of friends to cater for, fifty or more. The sort of gathering where we hope to socialize but know that busyness will over shadow the ability to chat. I knew that my time would be divided between food production and carrying one, or more, of the boys. To save time, repeated questions and clogged foot traffic, I hung a sheet paper above the door jam. My friend grinned, “Oh Maddy! Don’t you know the correct terminology? Can’t you bring yourself to write ‘restroom’?” she giggled as I hoiked up one sniveling boy and shifted his weight. He lifted his head, eyes drawn to new and delightful letters, “loo!” he pronounced. My friend’s expression changed, registered surprise with a tinge of shock and a tincture of horror, “did he…..can he……..he didn’t just read that did he?” I readjusted the wadded nappy bottom on my hip, uncomfortable in too many ways to list.

The cakes and decorations dwindled as our lives were impacted with a whole slew of new. Our time was spent traveling to therapists with unfamiliar agendas. But that was quite a while ago now, a while during which we all adjusted to a new reality.



Now, so many years later, I dust off icing bags and grab bags of sugar dust, I re-start an old project, cornucopias for Thanksgiving cakes. I make many, partly because I know that if I make 3 only one will survive, they’re so fragile. I end up making more than a dozen, because thankfully my house has been invaded by a bunch of thieves, determined to scupper my chances.

p.s. Just for the record, ironically, the first person to ever mention the word ‘autism’ out loud, was my brother!

Wordless - Special Exposure Wednesday

What relaxing position do you adopt to watch telly?








If you enjoy caption competitions and photographs, you may wish to nip along to"DJ Kirkby" over at "Chez Aspie" and test your brain power.

Try Tackling it Tuesday – kitchen angel

First and foremost I would like to point out that my idea of a kitchen angel is someone who visits the house, creates a delicious meal, does all the washing up and then disappears. If they would happen to include baby sitting services so that I am at least in with a fighting chance of eating a morsel, then that’s all to the good. This cheerful craft by comparison, comes in at a very poor second.

Let me just say at the outset, that when I was first given one of these creations as a gift, I was severely miffed, or rather, less than thrilled. Whilst I try not to look a gift horse in the mouth, at the same time, kitchen equipment never rates highly on my list of desirable. Strangely, these items are quite common in America, however I doubt whether they exist in Europe, except perhaps in the kitsch aisle. They would fall into the same category as "these."

Unlikely as it may seem, the foreigner who gave this to me, was unaware that it was made with tea towels, an oven glove and a face cloth. He was under the mis-apprehension that it was a traditional dollop of Americana, a Christmas decoration for the kitchen, but that’s just husband’s for you.

I have to admit I was tempted. How handy to have an emergency supply of such essentials for those days when the laundry is backed up and kitchen chaos reigns supreme. How fun to give my new American friends some traditional American gifts? How much better to demonstrate my assimilation into American culture?


I made half a dozen for my closest friends that they too would have an ally for their next domestic disaster. Would it surprise you to learn that my closest American pal packs up her kitchen angel with the rest of her Christmas decorations so that she can bring it out the next year? I suppose I should be grateful that she doesn’t keep it in the kitchen. I’m thinking of reporting her to the Bureau of Un-American Activities as her maverick behaviour proves that she’s really an alien.

However, I warmed to the idea of the kitchen angel because it indirectly provoked another gift, a little gem of an idea that has served me well for quite a few years. I noticed that my youngest son was quite partial to one red pot holder in particular. It has a fleecy red lining, soft and smooth. During my creative drive I would keep finding that this one pot holder kept disappearing. My son stole it to use as a hand protector and warming glove. At that time, he was still averse to the texture of paper.

One of the many difficulties that such people experience is an inability to open a paper wrapped gift, precisely because it is wrapped in paper which might as well be razor wire. Now I’ll admit that he wasn’t keen on presents either and was usually indifferent to the contents but that was nothing by comparison to the nightmare of tackling that paper barrier.

I can tell that you’re a little doubtful, but I have proof. I think we are one of the few families I know,who still have a nearly full stocking five days into the New Year. Why? Because the gifts are wrapped in paper, that most hateful of substances ever created by modern or ancient man. Now I have yet to check out whether ancient man’s papyrus or parchment paper has superior texture to our super smooth modern equivalent, but I’m open to ideas.

Meanwhile, the kitchen angel provoked another idea. Why not wrap all his presents in tea towels, preferably, old ratty soft tea towels only suitable for the rag bag? So that’s exactly what I did, with miraculous results. Of course all the gifts were still inferior but at least we didn’t have to wait until the New Year to make that discovery. So I would have to say, that when it comes to kitchen angels, maybe they do deserve a little soft cherished spot, in my psyche at least.


Since as there is no point in re-inventing the wheel, you can find sterling instructions for this project over "here," at "my craft book."

The only thing I would change is the note that's attached to her neck, which reads as follows:-

I am your Kitchen Angel
I'll watch over all you do,
Baking all those goodies,
And snitching one or two!

And if you ever tire of me,
Or some help is what your wish is,
Just untie my little ribbons,
And I'll help you with the dishes!

Instead, my note would read:-

The real kitchen angel is fully booked until 2059,
here's the sub.

Magic Marker Best Shot Monday

Hosted by "Tracy" at "Mother May I," but the photo-picture below will whizz you right there with one click.

Just call me snap happy.

Around this time of year, we make one of those ‘thanksgiving trees.’ For those unfamiliar with this American tradition, the children are given a tree with half a dozen leaves. They write on the leaves explaining what things, if any, they are thankful for. This simple, yet frightfully jolly good idea, appealed to my psyche. The reality however, was far from successful. One of my children had an aversion to the texture of paper. Both of them believed that all writing implements were tools of torture. I overcame the former objection by using foamies. The later was overcome but submitting myself to the role of scribe. All I needed then was to extricate suggestions. Most of the suggestions fell into the general category of ‘nuffink.’ When really pushed, or rather persuaded, they might manage ‘Thomas’ or Pachycephalosaurids, dependent upon which developmental stage they were at, by otherwise, it was an uphill struggle. I usually gave up after approximately seven minutes.

Every year they have managed more leaves. This year we made paper ones. This year they both wrote on the paper leaves themselves. We were still done in 7 minutes flat, but now they can tolerate 420 seconds of tedium. As I recap the glue I notice that my son has written an abbreviation on his leaf, an unfamiliar one.
“What does T P stand for dear?”
“Toilet paper.”
“You’re thankful for toilet paper? But you only use flushable wipes, very expensive flushable wipes I might add!”
“Yes.”
“So……why then?”
“It’s a joke stoopid!”
“!”
Ooo the irony.

Don’t fret…….yet

From back in the late Summer and into early Autumn


I dive into the house weighed down with several tones of groceries that will pre-cook in the car if I don’t off-load them before the school run. I have approximately 20 minutes to put away the shopping, clear the decks and prepare my brain.

As we only have cats, I worry unduly about the dog deposit on the lawn, as it’s evidence of a breach of security rather than an additional chore. I am in mid freezer pack when I glance out of the window to see half a dozen semi clad youthful persons, together with their cars and several miles of open sleeping bags strewn across the drive way. My daughter has returned from her latest camping expedition. Her pals are also tree hugger types, immune to skin cancer, tidiness and laundry. Bronzed flesh, string sandals, dark locks and lashes, all a flutter between the young men and women determined to jeopardize my school run dash because they are an in-betweeny generation; childless and without any other notable responsibility other than continued growth. How can I reverse out of the garage with a hundred square foot of personal detritus scattered all over the tarmac?

I worry a tad about the missing Pokemon and Webkinz collections, as they are essential homework tools and I cannot imagine to where they have disappeared, en masse, without warning. I worry a smidge that the bikes will rust as they lie abandoned over the newly fully functioning sprinkler heads, as I just haven’t squeezed in a dash to the garden today.

I worry a smatter that I haven’t even considered implementing a comprehensive ‘put your bikes away after use’ campaign. I assume this is because I am still too stunned to appreciate that cycling has become part of our daily routine. No longer allergic to ‘outside,’ now addicted to exercising by bike.

I worry, but not unduly, that I shall forget to go out and hunt down 7 abandoned banana skins somewhere in the garden. Although al fresco eating was the original plan, I never imagined it would spread to snacks.

I worry a jot or two, but not unduly that I shall not be able to think of an alternative supper now that the tomatoes have all been squished by over enthusiastic cyclists. I consider the tomato tromping, with bare feet, akin to a wine maker’s skill. An indication that the de-sensitization campaign for tactile defensiveness has been in part, generalized.

I believe it is entirely possible that I’ll just keel over, overwhelmed, out scheduled and de-campainged. They’ll find my inert body hours from now, stretched out on the floor from a stress induced heart attack brought on by ever mounting shock waves of ‘new.’ They’ll all be completely bewildered. But you’ll put them straight, right?


p.s. Obviously unnecessary, as it November so clearly I survived unscathed.

SOOC Smiley Saturday - Another brilliant idea by someone

We have had food fights around here for many a long year, a battle of wills I thought. As usual, as it turned out, I thought quite wrongly. It was not a battle of wills but something quite different indeed. It was neophobia, a fear of new foods. Once I discovered this mind changing fact, I changed my mind, my attitude and my approach.

At that time my young wee neophobe was very fond of the alphabet and numbers. He also had any number of hard and fast rules. One of his hard and fast rules was that he would only eat or drink from particular pieces of crockery, one bowl and one plastic cup. As a busy old mum, I found this most inconvenient as I was always challenged in the washing up department. If the particular bowl or cup were unavailable, soaking perhaps, or in the dish washer, he quite simply would not eat or drink until they reappeared.

Being of a somewhat laxidaisical frame of mind in the housework department, I recalled that in my own youth I was also fond of a particular bowl, one iwht a rabbit at the bottom. The bowl would be full of whatever, but bit by bit, spoonful by spoonful, ever so gradually, the tide would fall and the bunny, in all it’s gloriousness, would be revealed. With this recollection, I had yet another brilliant idea. I would fashion a bowl to tempt my neophobe to do likewise. It was genetic. It was bound to be a sure fired solution to the food problem. I played on his passion and exploited it ruthlessly.

Pottery is a time consuming business, but after a few weeks and several attempts, I eventually managed to produce a bowl with a tempting array of the alphabet on the rim and a semi icon on the bottom. On the bottom, under the food, were the letters ‘E M P T Y.’ How could anyone resist those adorable capitals, because as we all know, capitals are always especially adorable.

I presented the bowl, whilst empty to my youngest son and he was indeed delighted with the bowl, or rather the letters on the bowl. I permitted him to carry it around for a few days, clutched to his chest to familiarize himself with his new acquisition. He put dinosaurs in it, counted them in, counted them out. All was going spiffingly to plan.

One morning, inauguration morning, I filled the alphabet bowl with baby oatmeal, the gluten free, casein free variety of oatmeal that would clear out his little intestinal system, add no end of beneficial nutrition to his three only food diet and all would be well. I beamed at my beloved, soon to be no longer a neophobic son. He, on the other hand, did not look at me. He looked at his bowl, full of unaccustomed slime, but I had anticipated protest, I was used to the yelling, I knew he’d run away.

I did not know that he would upend the bowl and empty it. But I still have a lot to learn.

Get the code:-
Cut and paste
from this little
boxy thing below

<a href="http://www.lighteningonline.com/"><img src="http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q158/mmcewen/smiley-saturday-1.jpg" /></a>

Fruit cake

“Agh! I am die!” he flops on the kitchen floor in a fine rendition of faint.
“What’s up dear?”
“I can be eating dah poison cakes.”
“Oh that’s o.k. they’re not for us.”
“I am not eating dah fruit cake?”
“No. They’re for the school and anyway they’re not fruit cakes.”
“You are be poison my school!”
“No, no, no. No poison, just little cakes for the bake sale to raise revenue.”
“Raise?”
“Um…..make money for the school. People pay money for the cakes and the money goes to the school.”
“People’s are be paying for poison? Dat is insane!”
“They’re not poison,er…..poisoned, just cake.”
“Cake wiv poison fruit.”
“Oh those are just decorations made out of sugar. They’re not real fruit per se…..not really real fruit.”
“Dey are real fruit cakes?”
“No. Americans are afraid of fruit cakes…..er…..I mean……American’s don’t like fruit cake and there is no fruit anyway.”
“Dey are leaf cakes?”
“It’s a leaf decorate not a real leaf.”
“Dey are apple cakes?”
“Decorations! Anyway, they’re really lemon cakes.”
“Lemons is fruits.” I put the icing bag down to take a closer look at Mr. Logic.
“The point is……..you don’t have to worry about them because you are not going to have to eat them.”
“Dey are not being my new food for dah day?”
“No.”
“Dey are sugar.”
“Yes.”
“I am like sugar?”
“Er……you like chocolate.”
“I am not like sugar?”
“Well…..I don’t think you’ve ever eaten sugar…..as such.”
“Maybe I am try to be eat dah sugar today as my new food?”
“I don’t think sugar counts as a food.”
“Maybe I can eat a sugar leaf coz I am a vegetarian?”
“Great idea, but no. I need all my leaves.”
“No leaf for me?”
“No. I don’t have enough.” I look at him. I dither. Should I? Shouldn’t I? I am saved from having to make a decision as he skips off on a project of his own. I stack the boxes on a tray on the table and start the mountain of sticky washing up, behind with the laundry, skipping homework, overdue with supper preparations and generally dilatory on all scheduled routines. My daughter appears as I pop individual cakes and biscuits into individual containers because of germs or some such nonsense designed to drive busy people barmy, “Mom when’s supper?”
“Ooo I’m not sure.”
“Whatur we havin?”
“Take a look and the board and tell me, I have absolutely no idea.”
“Ooo…..wotzat?”
“What’s what dear?”
“It says ‘new food.’”
“Does it? That’s not very helpful. I wonder what I was thinking?” I step away from the sink, dry my hands on my jeans and peer through spotty bifocals, “who wrote that anyway I wonder?”
“You din write it?”
“No. Where is he?”
“He’s in Nonna’s room. He’s pretending to be an ant.”
“Ah…..that’s alright then.”
“Is he supposed to be eatin candy before dinner?”
“No he most certainly is not.” I march to Nonna’s room, past the table with the cake boxes, with a glance back. The boxes have moved! I whiz on to intervene before his appetite dwindles too far to accept tonight’s offering, “what are you doing under there Sonny Jim!”
“I am being dah ant. I am being my ant in my ant nest.”
“What are you eating young man? Halloween candy?”
“I am not eat, I am nibble.”
“What are you nibbling?”
“Leafs. I am being dah leaf cutter ant.”

Squeak

Initially both my boys were diagnosed as ‘non-verbal’ or having ‘significant speech delays’ dependent upon which expert we favoured. These days, they have lots of words and they choose to share them with us frequently. However, I think it would be fair to say that as often as not, this is not their preferred method of communication. When the pressure is on, they both revert to type and communicate by gesture, mimicry and a wide variety of noises, each of which have very specific meanings.

‘Noises’ are the most difficult things to describe, but I recognize each of them like speed dial tones as they are so familiar and ingrained into our family life. They convey an emotion more succinctly, accurate and immediately than words.

…….

I take him into the kitchen to show him. I tell him it is a surprise because this is one of the rare occasions when the ‘surprise’ will be met favourably. I warn him not to touch it, because it’s not dry yet, that it will take several days, until the weekend, to be dry enough to touch. I orient his body towards the counter and slip an arm around his shoulders to steady the pending explosion. With the other, I whip off the tea cloth to reveal his birthday cake decoration. Although he is static with the soles of both his feet on the ground, he still manages to pogo two feet in the air with flailing arms, and the noise. The noise is a cross between a whipped zipper, the sign off salute of a radio host and a pitch to shatter glass. He lowers his chin to the counter for a closer look before clutching my forearm with both his hands for a quick squeeze of appreciation and the lick of an affectionate puppy.

Special Exposure Wordless Wednesday

This is shut.







This is open.






This is in use.






I just thought I'd better let you know after all the "ick" comments yesterday!

This is one place that you can buy a "Nifty Recycling Aid" at "Stacks and Stacks." Mine was a gift. Beforehand, I used this.













I do have some words over at my other site, "Alien in a Foreign Field" called "The Invisible Hook."




If you enjoy caption competitions and photographs, you may wish to nip along to"DJ Kirkby" over at "Chez Aspie" and test your brain power.

Tackle it Tuesday - lil green

*** Here's a teeny tiny project for those attempting to go green but still have cold feet.

Maybe this should be a 'guess what it is?' post instead?




O.k. so what is it?

Need a bigger clue?

O.k. so whilst you think about it, first a little back ground to explain the truly ironic nature of this tackle.

Several life times ago I was married to a different man and therefore enjoyed a relationship with a different mother in law. The house of my mother in law, was like none other. Even now, some two and a half decades later, I have never experienced a household such as that.

To say that the house was clean would be an atrocious understatement. Not only was it hygienically pristine, it was also ordered. Her whole house was immaculate. Not the immaculate of Homes and Gardens, but the kind of immaculate where screw heads were sanitized with a tooth brush. To say that it was tidy would be tantamount to a lie. For example, I slept in the spare room. The spare room housed spares, spares of everything. Each spare was lined up in the closet and when I say ‘lined up’ I mean you could take a ruler just to check that each item was exactly spaced within the available space. The twin bed spreads were hand crocheted, as were all the other bed spreads within the house,……but I digress.

One of the most staggering, heretofore never witnessed by any living breathing creature, was the kitchen. To enter the kitchen was unwise unless you wore sunglasses. Bear in mind that this was England, mid winter where the light twinkled once every 24 hours on a Wednesday when there is an R in the month. I would stand in the kitchen wearing my muffled feet on one single linoleum square in total awe as I watched my mother in law wash plastic bags in the sink and hang them up to dry so that they could later be re-used. I would remain static in part due to the three hounds of the Baskervilles that glowered in the hall ready to eviserate anyone who so much as dropped a hair follicle. I knew at the tender age of 18 that house-wifery was not the career choice for me.

Later as I sat on a freshly laundered and ironed towel on the sofa, drinking Evian water from a dazzling, lead crystal tumbler, I wondered if I would ever reach such exotic levels of exactitude?

So now, I know that I too have advanced to bag washing and recycling. Furthermore, I have been reduced to making a bag, or rather a bag dispenser, for my washed bags, because for some reason, few people are willing to re-use a used bag when there are also new bags available.

Thusly, the first thing to do, is to hide the box of new bags and instead display this handy dandy bag dispenser, stuffed to the brim with old or rather, newly washed bags for everyone to use.

Now whilst I'm sure you're clamouring for the 'how to' details, as luck would have it "Dioramarama" has step by step instructions over "here" which is just as well as I didn't capture the moment myself.

I would just add that the careful selection of the correct material or fabric is paramount if you wish to engender co-operation and participation by other family members. Forget colour co-ordinated, aim for soft, or better still, super soft, as we wouldn't wish to damage those little digits, now would we?

Get the code:-
Cut and paste
from this little
boxy thing below

<a href="http://www.lazyorganizer.com/"><img src="http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q158/mmcewen/tatuesday-1.jpg" /></a>

Best shot Magic Marker Monday - Hubble, bubble, toil and triumph?

Hosted by "Tracy" at "Mother May I," but the photo-picture below will whizz you right there with one click.

Just call me snap happy.

It’s just another ordinary day. The sort of day that is really no different from any other day, except that it isn’t.

“Mum!”
“Yes dear?”
“I am need.”
“What do you need dear?”
“I am need……….make a few invention that is never been made before.”
“Oh……that could be a bit tricky. What did you have in mind?”
“Ingredients.”
“Ingredients?”
“Yes for my new drink or maybe soup?”
I look at my son who does not drink soup and to date only drinks water and chocolate milk, if it is exactly the right temperature.
“Ah. How can I help?”
“I am get a bowl for my new invention.” I glance at the clock, two minutes home from school, three minutes until we leave for therapy.
“Maybe we should do this later, after therapy?”
“No. Get me.”
“Get you what dear?”
“No I am be get myself.” He flies to the fridge, a domestic appliance that is not on his radar. He heaves open the door to peer and mutter, “now let me see…..ah yes! Dat is what I am be needing.” I watch as he grabs the gallon container of milk. I do not believe he has ever held a container of milk before. He removes the cap, demonstrating superb fine motor skills and a heretofore unknown enthusiasm as he sloshes a cupful or two into a very large soup bowl. The fridge remains open as he selects orange juice and does likewise. He does not drink orange juice nor has he ever held a carton before. I watch mesmerized as he flies back and forth from fridge to counter adding mustard, ketchup, chocolate sauce and mayonnaise. He uses no protection. He uses no tools to avoid physical contact with any of the substances.
“What it is?”
“Er……?”
“Dis fing dat I am using for my cook.”
“Mayonnaise dear.”
“Ooo dat is right, gotta love dah mayo.” Be still my beating heart. These are condiments that have been un-nameable and untouchable. He does not wear gloves. “I fink it is be needing dah one more fing.”
“Indeed,” I sputter blanched.
“Ah! I am be having dah whipped cream.” With the dexterity of the finest chef de patisserie he flicks off the top, inverts the can and sprays six inches of piped cream, a floating island of wonderfulness. “Carry!”
“Pardon?”
“Um…..you be carry it to dah table for dah decorations.” I lift the soup bowl and bear it towards the dining room table, in the centre for all to admire his creation. “I am be get dah latest fing.” He skitters across the room brandishing a jar of Maraschino cherries. I watch as his digits dive into the red syrup to retrieve a single stalk with a plump fruit to plop into the pillow of cream. He grins hugely at his feat, “an dat my fine friends, is dah perfick!” I feel a prick in the corner of my eye, because I know that eyes lie and my vision is untrustworthy. My brain is too wormy to manage coherent speech as his dad arrives to whisk them away to therapy. “Quick mom!”
“Er…….”
“I am need.”
“What do you need dear?”
“A container.”
“Why love?”
“I am be take my ingredient soup drink to therapy, for Janis, so she can be dah lucky taster.” I pour and slop the soup, snap on the lid and pass it over. As the garage door slams shut I pause, lean against the counter and consider. I may be the middle of the day but it is definitely the middle of the night, a dream, unreal and surreal. My daughter appears, “aren’t yah gonna clear up that disgustin muck Mom?” I look at the counter, covered in disgusting muck. It is definitely mucky and there is a void in the middle where the container once was. I touch the muck, just to check that it is really wet, that it is real and it is.

Lucky Janis!

p.s. If anyone doubts the dedication of therapists, I am happy to report that since Janis is such a jolly good egg, she did indeed sip the concoction. Her assessment was whilst it was not exactly to her taste it was a thoroughly powerful brew. Yeah Janis!

Pssst!

I have to whisper, because you know I wouldn’t like to jinx it, but I wanted to share something with you, the week just past, because this is the weekend when we can share secrets, if we share them very quietly, so that you know who doesn’t get wind of it.

Here’s a few things:-
1. California shrimp sushi rolls
2. Pot stickers one shrimp one pork
3. Fish sticks, peas, corn, mashed potatoes and one micro dot of tomato sauce
4. Home made [white] bread
5. Egg and potato curry with coconut milk carrots, onions and celery
6. bread and butter pudding with marmalade [a bit like French toast]
7. wed – 10/12/08 chicken corn enchiladas, peas, sloppy joes with lentils and tomatoes, spinach nuggets
8. thur – golden carrots, mashed potato, sausage, tomato sauce, sorrel
9. Fri – white fish fillets [breadcrumbed], red chard, rosemary potato chips, salad, avocado sushi rolls
10. Sat – wholewheat pizza with pepperoni, mozzarella and spinach, bean burrito……….

……these are some of the things that entered my son’s mouth and were swallowed, only a teaspoonful of each one of course, but I suspect, although it’s too soon to say with any certainty, that I may have lost my neophobe, possibly. They remained in his digestive system. The screams were more habit than painful, you know, the lowest common denominator, if in doubt ‘yell your head off,’ but he stayed in his chair. As he chewed, sort of, he examined his biceps waiting for them to grow, which they surely are? All in all, I think we are entering an entirely new phase of life, growth and change. To date none of the ‘new foods’ has rated anything higher than a 3 out of 10. Most are zero, or minus infinity, but all the same……..what do you think? He’s nearly 8. We’ve been at this for five years. Is it really possible? Is that how long it takes for some people? Every day exposure for 365 days times five? To desensitize them? So now I’m wondering, maybe, just maybe, in the future, say in…….what?......five years, perhaps food might be a source of pleasure? Am I jinxing him? Am I getting ahead of myself? Will I have to delete this tomorrow? Oooo pushy parents! In the meantime, please send emergency supplies of toilet paper, urgent!

Fun with Messy Play by Tracey Beckerleg – a book review

Available from "Jessica Kingsley Publishers" and "Amazon UK."

To save you time and money I shall cut to the chase so that you can determine if this book would benefit you or someone you know. Consider the three following questions carefully:- firstly, are you now or have you ever been a parent? Secondly, do you believe that you are an average parent, one well within the bell curve rather than on either end of the extreme? Thirdly, during the period of parenthood, if you were or are one, did you ever clean your kitchen floor more than once a week?

If so, this book will definitely help your children, and may even help you as a parent, vicariously.

I love this book. It is a no nonsense down to earth approach to helping children learn and grow through play, specifically messy play. Ms. Beckerleg is an experienced mother, and teacher of special needs children. The book is divided into helpful chapters that address areas of need common to many of our children such as ‘sensory stimulation, language and communication, social development and motor skills.’

To be frank, I could have done with this book about 6 years ago. Instead I had to trundle about on my own, adapting mainstream guides to suit my own particular children. Because one of my children is a sensory ‘seeker’ and another is an ‘avoider,’ especially when the tactile defensiveness issue is dominant, I would have welcomed any additional tips and tricks. Anyone who is already familiar with sensory diets will also be familiar with many of the suggestions in Ms.Beckerleg’s book but there are lots of additional useful suggestions and ideas. I also like her chapter on ‘Things to remember.’ This in part addresses what can occur when you have a group of children with differing needs. Her students were in the classroom, mine are all at home with me. Her ‘real life’ anecdotes and examples are heartwarming and hopeful, and we can all do with a dose of that.

Don't worry, the exchange rate is laughable at the moment and if you ever need any translations, just give me a tinkle.
Cheers dears

Please scroll down for Smiley Saturday and SOOC

So here are the details of a "couple" of outstanding recipes:-

Outstanding = late, not particularly wonderful
Egg Nests
One and a half pounds of Duchesse potatoes
4 eggs [if you’re feeding four people or have two very hungry people]
That's from the recipe book, not terribly helpful? Let me fill you in on how to make the "Duchesse" Potatoes.
Don’t forget to pre-heat the oven to gas mark 7 / 425 degrees F
People the potatoes, cut into equal sized pieces so that they’ll all cook evenly. Simmer until tender in boiling, lightly salted water [remember = simmer to glimmer, boil to spoil!] Drain the potatoes. Add gloibule of butter and a slosh of milk. Mash together until smooth. It should have a soft consistency. [do not whiz in magimix/Cuisinarte, there are no shortcuts] Spoon the potato into four oven proof dishes. [or do as the recipe says and find a forcing bag with a no.10 star nozzle and pipe into the individual bowls……maybe you have more time than I do and like doing extra washing up?] Break eggs carefully so as not to break the yolk. Make a well in the centre of each potato bowl and gently sploop one egg into each. Place butter shaving on each yolk and place in the oven. The recipe calls for baking for 10 – 15 minutes, but with my oven it’s more like 7 minutes or the eggs will turn in to tyre rubber, so experiment because you probably don’t want runny whites either = yuk! If you are also washing up averse, you can build little mountains of mashed potato on a sheet of parchment paper placed on a baking sheet, then make little wells for the eggs, add the eggs as above and bake. After baking you can lift off each little mountain with a fish slice [if you have a thick enough bottom!] without breaking the egg, and toss the paper!

Because they are dishless / bowless they cook faster too.










Peculiar but tasty "Naans"
Four and a quarter cups of bread flour
3 tsp of salt
3 tsp of fast acting dried yeast
1 and three quarter cups of water
Tip into bread machine on ‘dough’ setting for a couple of hours or knead together by hand [not recommended] or toss into mixer to churn.
If you’re doing this by hand, set aside covered with a damp cloth to rise [double in size] and repeat [once.]
Meanwhile make yummy stuff to put in the middle of your Naans as this may encourage people to take a bite on the promise of something more interesting inside.







One pretty safe bet is to sauté a medium sized, finely chopped onion. Leave it in the pan with a heap of garlic and olive oil until it caramelized.

Use lots of flour to stop yourself and your dough becoming one. Divide the dough into four. Divide each fourth into two equal sized pieces. Persuade each piece into an oval shape. Place a quarter of the onion mixture in the centre, spread it out to leave an inch margin and squish the two ovals together around the outer edges. Place all four ovals on a baking tray, cover with damp towel, leave in warm place to double in size.

Heat the griddle / hot plate / frying pan to 425 degrees. Put one teaspoonful of olive oil on the hot plate and wipe over the entire surface with a wad of kitchen paper [do not burn finger tips] Plop Naan onto hot plate an leave it there for 2 to three minutes on one side before you flip it over and cook the other side. Do not poke it, leave it to cook. Lift off onto a warm plate, cover with the tea towel and cook the other naans in turn.

Other fillings that work well =
A bunch of chopped sautéed green onions / scallions
Finely chopped Coriander [cilantro]
A cupful of raisins previously plumped in boiling water, mixed with desiccated coconut and a tablespoonful of chutney or pickle

If you put the Naans in the oven instead of the hot plate, then they puff up like rugby balls, which means that you will now have to eat something that is the same size as your head. This is useful information because if you eat a whole flat Naan because you were good and cooked it on the griddle, then once it is inside your tummy it will then expand to something the size of a rugby ball – you have been warned.

SOOC, Smiley Saturday

Learning the error of your ways
From a few weeks back in the summer

On the third week they break a third vase, although I miss the magic moment to identify exactly which one committed the crime. I am excessively annoyed. The vase was cheap and cheerful, of no intrinsic value, but the mess, glass, foul water and dead flowers exacerbates my already frazzled nerves. As in all things, I adhere to the principal of three:- one vase in use, one in the closet and one in transit, just like knickers. Now I am vaseless which is a mild improvement on knickerless. How can this dastardly state of affairs have come to pass? I hear the dulcet tones of our Irish ABA guru waft through the ether, ‘what incident immediately preceded the event in question?’

What indeed?

The tantalizing question that haunts so many of us. There must be a logical answer, although even an illogical one would do for the time being.

Three weeks ago? Three weeks ago? What could it possibly be? Probably about that time, was the time that my youngest decided that his body needed exercise, regular exercise, frequently. He would hurtle out of the house chanting in time with his self imposed exercise regime, to fly around the garden on his bike, three circuits before flinging his bike aside and hurling his body back indoors. I began to recognize the signs, faster speech, many nonsense words, cycles of ever speedier ditties before they burst like an ant hill to catapault him into the garden. Self regulation is all very well but why does it have to involve such destruction? Neither of them has ever volunteered to enter the garden until this summer.

I stare at the double glass doors, willing my brain to function. Once a week I collect the organic vegetable box along with a bunch of flowers. Once a week I take the old dead flowers and stick them outside until time permits me to visit the compost heap. Once a week I snip the elastic and drop the new fresh flowers in a different vase, not exactly tastefully arranged. It frees up a moment to clear a shelf in the fridge and shove ten pounds of organic vegetables in to chill. The same routine for about five years. What has gone so horribly wrong? Their dad appears by my side to note the latest dollop of carnage, “geez, I’d I thought you’d have stopped it by now.”
“Me? Stopped it? And how exactly do you think I should magic that one?”
“Stop dumping those vases in the doorway to trip over.”
“!”

Get the code:-
Cut and paste
from this little
boxy thing below

<a href="http://www.lighteningonline.com/"><img src="http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q158/mmcewen/smiley-saturday-1.jpg" /></a>

Snippet – hello! Is anybody there?

My son has never used the phone willingly. During the last few years we have made strenuous efforts to help him talk to familiar relatives on the phone, but to date our success has been limited. During this same period we have tried to de-sensitize both of them to the horror of headphones, but with similarly disappointing results. We have tried any number of strategies such as using the ‘speaker’ function, but all to no avail. Overall there appears to be general disinterest in talking to an invisible person somewhere out in the ether.

It is an irksome overhang of past deamons to me, as during their initial evaluations neither was able to name or identify a telephone, a microscope nor any number of everyday household items. It was a sharp pang of reality injected into my cotton wool world.

When the phone rings I find myself instantly deluged in words from a very fast speaking young woman. It’s a monologue of reasons why she must speak to my son. She talks as if she has already made a list of reasons why I might refuse and has come up with her own counter arguments in advance. As she rattles them off, I wander through the house to seek him out, since I am unable to get a word in edgeways. When I find him I shield the voice piece, attract his attention, wait for his attention and explain, “your friend Felicity is on the phone, she wants to speak to you,” and hold out the receiver to him near his right hand. He takes the phone in a limp hand, slithers off the bed to perch like a three legged stool on the carpet, “hi Felicity, it’s me,” he says with a casual air that matches his liquefied body as he rolls over, a cat in the sunshine. I hover for a few minutes but it seems impolite to remain and ear wig. As I leave, I note that she uses a great many words and he uses one or two in response, at lengthy intervals.

I check on his progress every five minutes or so, mainly to prevent the telephone being abandoned in some random place never to see the light of day again. He wanders from room to room, loose limbed and all a gangle.

We crash in the corridor but his hands are empty. “Where’s the phone dear?” There is no response as I canter after him on the alert for lonely phones. “Did you have a nice chat with Felicity?” He keeps moving either deep in other thoughts or determined to maintain a new privacy. As I bob and weave in his wake we collide with his father who is equally interest in this new development, as well as concerned for the welfare of all electronic devices in the house. He nabs him by the shoulders, even though his legs keep moving, a cartoon caricature of a fully wound toy “so……..how was Felicity?”
“I dunno.”
“Well you’ve been talking to her for nearly half an hour, what did you have to talk about?”
“Nuffink.”
I am suddenly aware that we appear to be putting the poor child through the third degree, or what appears to be the third degree but is really only the first degree of a new form of communication.

We smile, wise adults and release him. The innocence of youth, loves young dream, the shadow of the future…….. As usual we are off radar. He calls after him, the retreating speed walker, “maybe you should wine and dine her?” he sniggers. I beam with fondness as my son replies over his shoulder, without missing a beat, “Felicity’s not a whiner.”