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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Dijon? Mais oui! [translation = therapy for free]

Now I am no gourmand, nor some sort of food snob, but when it comes to mustard, well.....…lets just say that I have certain standards that need to be maintained. It’s not that I shun Coleman’s [translation = lurid yellow English mustard that blows your socks off after just one whiff] it’s just that there are other flavours and textures, such as the wholegrain mustards, that are all together superior.

There would, it appears, be other gloops, that call themselves mustard. In America these substances are known as mustard, but are in fact, merely neon yellow slime, masquerading as mustard. It only took me a few short weeks in the States to discover this deception foisted upon my fellows. Once I gained this knowledge was careful to ensure that the dreaded concoction should never pass over the threshold of this house.


But of course that was a few years ago now.

Out of nowhere, my son declares that he is a lover of mustard, to delight my fluttering heart. At last! Is there the remote possibility that we are edging closer to what might be described as 'normal,' or what might pass for normals if you don't pay too much attention?

Spouse interjects himself. He explains that my eldest son recently had cause to come in close bodily contact with the substance, he witnessed the exposure first hand. Furthermore he adds, that some buddy at school, a peer, a preferred peer, also favours mustard. I harbour evil thoughts, but suppress them. I duly write ‘yellow stuff’ on the food shopping list.

In the supermarket, I find the aisle that sells slime in it’s many and various American manifestations. I am not defeated, merely sanguine. I study the offerings with the dedication of a scholar, to find just the right one. The right one is difficult to determine. I decide to narrow my choice down to two options. My criteria? Flavour, brand, price, size, recyclable container or otherwise? Nope.

I buy both. One to challenge his fine motor ‘twisting’ skills, one to encourage his ‘flip up the top’ skills and both fulfill the goal of ‘both hands work together to squeeze’ skills.

Oh yes, this mustard business is hot stuff.

Now don't tell my Mother as she'll have my guts for garters! [translation = be seriously displeased]

16 comments:

KEYNOTER said...

Oh I love mustard too. I put it into my mashed potatoes. The wholegrain mustard one. Which one did your son prefer

Pendullum said...

I love both dijon and the wholegrain... Depends on my mood... But I keep the yellow stuff available for kids as they tend to likethe yellow runny stuff you aptly described.

dulwichmum said...

You poor love, I had no idea that there was a difference. I do not enjoy mustard myself, although I must admit I use it in cooking - Jamie Oliver Fish Pie for example.

You have just explained to me how American children can bear to stripe hot dogs with mustard, I always thought that they just had an ability to consume much hotter food than we Europeans.

Best wishes,

DM

farmwifetwo said...

French's is the better of the 2. We have the "good stuff" and the yellow stuff in our fridge. Like ketchup the eldest thinks it's a food group.

Joeymom said...

I'm glad I'm not the only person who buys food by the OT value of the container! My guys like "honey mustard", and I use key lime mustard in dips and sauces, but otherwise, it is a rare thing here. Honey mustard is mostly a variation on the slime theme, with less yellow dye. The key lime mustard is also thickened slime without the yellow dye, but sweeter, with a little citrus touch. Very good in shrimp dip.... which my boys won't touch. Oh, well.

Ketchup is the only tomato thing Joey will touch... and only once in a blue moon. We're a Sauce Free Zone for Joey; though Andy loves dipping sauces, including ketchup and McDonald's sweet-n-sour (which bears no relation to the Chinese condiment).

Christine said...

Bleech! I can't even look at the stuff that passes for mustard! It has to be wholegrain. I'm a serious snob about this. Wo! is me if my kids ever decide otherwise.

a mommy said...

I looked. We have five containers of mustard in the fridge: dijon, wholegrain, hot, yellow gunk, and honey mustard. Needless to say, we are fairly serious mustard eaters around here. My older two and husband will eat whole grain, but not dijon or hot; I prefer dijon, like hot on corned beef; my kids eat the yellow and the honey. None of these pass the lips of the littlest one.

This is Texas. Yellow gunk and pickles are what you typically get on a hamburger. Weird, but at least consistent in its vinegariness.

KEYNOTER said...

Yes, If he wasnt so busy I tell him he needs a trial run. Where abouts in the USA are you based?

Haddayr said...

Oh, dear. What we suffer for our children!

Melissa said...

I love love love that you bought mustard based on what fine motor skills could be used, rather than anything else!!!

Jerry Grasso said...

Truly, I only like mustard on a good American Hamburger.

Try giving him, say, a teaspoon of slimy yellow, and work in a little coleman's powder...I don't know if he'll like the wholegrain (mouth/sensory issues we run into here)...but just start mixing in more of the 'good stuff' as his taste buds accept it....

I can see the spit bowl being used....but I can see this being accepted!

Jerry Grasso said...

Oh, and Mayo....that's just something that is not made on this planet. Truly, Mayo is slime...and one of the foods I feel is truly, as Mermaid Man from SpongeBob says: "EVIL!"

Melissa R. Garrett said...

Hee hee! Oh mustard, how I love thee (the good kind, of course)! This post cracks me up :-) My Jacob loves honey mustard, as in the kind that comes with nuggets from fast food joints (yes, I occasionally indulge his craving for junk). And for a child that does not perform well outside of routine and ritual, I learned my lesson just the other day to ALWAYS check to make sure the mustard is in the bag, lest you want to endure a fit of all fits.

hasitall3 said...

My sister stayed with us for several months and purchased a bottle of the offensive yellow slime tainting my children for evermore :(

The Kept Woman said...

I am not at all a mustard fan but a few months back I went to and then posted about the Mustard Museum I went to. You would have loved it!

(sorry it took me so long to come by...the link to your site on your comments wasn't working for some odd reason...but I hunted you down anyway!)

my4kids said...

I'm not a regular mustard person. I look at it much like you neon yellow slime...eww. I have not tried the mustard you think of as real though. Maybe that would be better. Although with a house full of yellow slime lovers I don't know if I would get the other stuff in.

 
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