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Monday, June 04, 2007

Not autism just complex advanced laundry skills

When I was a youthful person, several life times ago, one of my hobbies was sub-aqua diving. Dive suits are made of neophrene. After every dive it is necessary to rinse off your suit with fresh water to ensure that this expensive piece of equipment does not rot prematurely. Ideally it should be left to dry under natural conditions. [translation = say no to tumble driers] If you care for your suit it will give you years of trouble free wear.

Like many of the younger generation, my spoiled children enjoy the pampering of a lightweight wetsuit. [translation = no goosebumps for my little wimps] It is a well documented fact, that they only people who have swimming pools are movie stars, millionaires and show offs. [translation = and a few Californians, although these categories are not mutually exclusive] Around here, we lucky people enjoy a swimming pool in our very own garden and it is kept warm by solar panels on the roof of the house.

As soon as the pool water reaches 96 degrees, junior deems the temperature acceptable, dons his wet suit and gingerly makes progress. [translation = there’s the ‘wetness’ campaign too.] Each year, the wetness campaign becomes shorter. As the days pass and the water becomes warmer still, we find that junior delights in wetness at a sloshing 99 degrees. [translation = but still in his wetsuit] My little chap is his own personal mobile sauna. [translation = and a very speedy one at that]

Following a nasty bout of stomach flu, we have returned to our normal routine. Children splash, scream a lot, and frequently give the appearance of drowning. [translation = senior prefers to hover just below the surface, immobile for long periods of time] Thus, when the squalker erupts from the pool making rooster noises, I am immediately aware that something is up. The something that is up, is unknown, because the ‘up’ is so distressing, that words have abandoned him. Instead, he rain dances at high speed and tippy toes on the hardcore. After a couple of athletic jumping jacks, he kicks starts his body into remedial action and spins off in the direction of the toilet.

I supervise the swimmers deep in thought. Why does he look like a cartoon so much of the time? 85% of his time is spent at high speed. [translation = fast forward] He runs where most people would walk or saunter. It’s not just the tippy toes that seem cartoonish. What is it? The fact that his arms are straight, rigid against his body? That may be part of it. I run the video of the runner through my mind's eye. Of course! It’s because usually when you run, you lean forward, sort of in to the wind, whereas he is vertical, suspended by an invisible, taught string running through his torso, so that his legs seem disengaged from the rest of him. [translation = "Irish Dancing"] I am just patting myself of the back for unraveling this conundrum, when the rooster crows reach level 10 volume with accompanying bangs and crashes. Oh no! He’s in his wetsuit! The one with the zip up the back. I dash into the loo. Too late. He lies on the floor, curled like a shrimp having convulsions.

He takes a considerable amount of time to cleanse his personage to his requirements. [translation = not just clean, but sanitized to hospital standards] Remarkably he is in fairly good spirits following this trauma and anxious to return to the pool. [translation = stomach flu free and returned to normal functioning] We both glance at the contaminated wetsuit. “Sorry dear, that’s not going to be so easy to clean.”
“Oh no! What am I be going to be doing now?” he sighs.
“It’s a bit of a stumper!”
“Good golly! This has gotta be the end of life as we know it on this planet!” [translation = gotta love the appropriate scripting]
“Maybe you could wear a swimming costume instead?” [translation = trunks?]
“No, no, no. I am not a fish.”
“No net, no net, no net.” I think. I think about boy’s swimming costumes, those loose garments that permit unfettered movement when swimming. I look at the three new virgin pairs of swimming trunks that he refuses to wear even though I have washed them many times in order to soften them. I grab a pair of scissors, vandalize the garment and remove the netting.

“There you go! Perfect!” He rests his forehead against my hip bone for a few seconds, all the thanks and acknowledgment I need. [translation = more than] He skips towards the pool and hurls himself in with glee. [translation = wet all over but no wetsuit.] I stand next to the soiled wetsuit.

[translation = how do you wash them when they’re in that condition?]
Should I have posted this in "Alien" instead?


Stomper Girl said...

Good luck with the wetsuit. I love the fish/net association. So simple to fix once you cracked the code.

Suzanne said...

He rests his forehead against my hip bone for a few seconds, all the thanks and acknowledgment I need.
loved this... i could relate.

mumkeepingsane said...

Patrick also runs in this upright fashion and he has a bit of a hop to it. I love it.

I have no idea how you wash a wet suit in that condition. Congrats on figuring out the problem with swim suits.

Jerry Grasso said...

I have always thought the running straight up with little movement reminds me of Pitfall Harry from the Atari/Activision game in the 80s (See hyperlink, third screen grab down)



Anonymous said...

There are days I wish they came with universal translators just like on Star Trek. How easy a fix.. once you decode it.

As for the wet suit... no idea. My goal is getting the little one out in barefeet again this summer. Seems to be an annual task. He even wears socks to bed. But... every year it gets easier.


Melissa said...

Ah hah, I have had an epiphany reading your post. Cut the netting out of the swim trunks. How come I never thought of that? Thank you for making my son's day. :)

Melissa said...

I don't know what to tell you about the wet suit... :S Glad you figured out the "net" - you are one super mom!


My girls would love a swimming pool in the garden but I could see how it could become a problem. Beauty LOVES swimming, getting her out would be a nightmare.

Niksmom said...

Did you try to hose it off with a garden hose or pressure washer? Poor littel guy...can't have been the first and only to have that happen, right? BRILLIANT about the "net!"

Domestic Goddess said...

Your description of him pacing, rooster crows, the whole lot of it is VERY familiar sounding. It sounds like you were describing MY son, although we aren't potty trained yet. So if there is a stomach virus I am still lucky enough to keep it all in a diaper, for now.
Hope that stomach bug is gone soon! YUCK!

Haddayr said...

Yes; autistic kids really do seem cartoonish at times, and you've hit the nail on the head: it's the erect posture (combined with the tippytoes, of course).

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