Shucks! Darnit!

Autism with speech delay can be a source of great frustration and annoyance, primarily for the speaker.

So many words are difficult to pronounce that an approximation becomes the norm until musculature matures with practice and time. If it wasn’t already annoying enough to deal with such daily challenges, every so often someone arbitrarily changes the rules. For instance, there is one particular word, one of many, that causes no end of angst, namely ‘evening.’ We know what evening means. We have a vague notion about when it occurs but it is virtually impossible to pronounce. We have learned to accept that for the time being ‘ eve nin,’ is more than good enough.

But once a year during the month of December, some foolish people refer to a particular reference point, namely ‘Christmas Eve.’ ‘Christmas’ we get, but ‘eve,’ although easier to say, is a shackle, one that causes no end of frustration. It falls into a category of many other words, words that are more than two syllables and familiar. If you are used to saying ‘Massachusetts’ with ease and flair, it is very difficult to stop yourself from pronouncing the last syllable, as suddenly the last syllable is surplus to requirements. You should try it some time if you doubt me, Massachu hold your ‘setts,’ Mississip and hold the ‘pi,’ the Marquis of Queensbur and hold the ‘y.’ It’s so grossly unfair. For some reason our brains and tongues refuse to stop, as the last sound is irresistible. Hence we experience a great deal of pain with the word ‘eve’ which keeps running into ‘eve nin’ or pops out as ‘eva’ when the brakes are rammed on really hard.

For current purposes we shall gloss over the competing issue, the time bomb, that declares that a whole day cannot be an ‘eve.’

As Christmas Eve approaches, I think it would be aesthetically pleasing to lie. To explain that my darling son came to me on that precious night, as the candles flicker in the warmth of twilight, to articulate the word ‘eve’ into my shell like ear, a gift like none other and we all lived happily ever after…….or some such nonsense. The truth however, is far less neat and tidy. This time next year, or maybe the year after, I’m confident that he will continue to grow and these difficulties will lessen, but for the time being we are left with the current exchange rate, daily, that goes a bit like this:-

“Ooo I am love!”
“Yes I know you love Christmas dear.”
“When is Eva…..? Shucks darnit!”
“Lets look at the chart together and you can tick off another day.”

Quite soon Eva will be gone from his repetoire. I think I almost miss her already.

Intolerance - a snippet

We conclude that there are 4 potential restaurants that may earn our patronage today. Prior to any final decision making, I call one in particular, just to check.


“Hi, this is San Jose’s most premiere restaurant in the Bay Area serving find food to the discerning public, specializing in pasta and seafood in a family style, how may I be of service to you today?”

It’s hard to process the message, delivered at speed with a gasp for breath at the end.


“Good morning. I was wondering if you served fries please?”

I am careful not to allow the word ‘chips’ escape from my lips as it is unfair to confuse the foreigners. I keep it brief, as American’s dislike waffle and time wasters. I stop myself from havering over the use of ‘premiere.’ The pronunciation is so mangled it cannot be French, but I have started a new personal campaign, I shall not be picky about individual words. I shall be tolerant.


“Fries? D’ya mean French Fries?” she asks in a tone of American incredulity.
“Mais oui!”

My bad!

Exclusive and Elusive

One of the strangest things about a speech delay is the effect it has on a parent.

Lucky parents like me, notice that ever so gradually over time, the delay has diminished. They are less non-verbal. They have oodles of words. They can stick a whole stack of them together to form what resembles a first class sentence.

The stutters and stammers are less frequent. The diction is poor but comprehensible to anyone who is sufficiently motivated and interested. Yet their meaning……….is so often mysterious.

This could be a fatal flaw for a parent, but I say, if in doubt, just jump in with both feet.

“I wanna go mushroom surfing!”
“Uh, uh, uh, finish getting dressed first and then you can go mushroom surfing.”


“Mom?”
“Yes dear?”
“Now you are beed dah Super A Plus!”
“I am? Really! I don’t think I’ve ever had an ‘A’ for anything, let alone a Super or a Plus, for that matter.”
“Well…..now you are be!”
“B! I’ve been demoted already? I only just had the A. What did I do wrong?”
“Not ‘B’……’be’”

“D’ya know……ya can git…….. hedgehog pants?”
“Um…..no…..actually I didn’t know that. Do you want hedgehog pants?” I can think of few things more painful than knickers full of prickles.
“Japan.”
“Japanese hedgehogs? I didn’t know Japan had any hedgehogs? Porcupines perhaps?”
“No. Japan is have sonic.”
“Er……sonic…….sound……um…..”
“Sonic, he is be from Japan.”
“Oh, I don’t think I knew that either. Oh! Sonic the Hedgehog is Japanese!”
“Yes! I am be want pants like dat.”


“Dad?”
“Yes.”
“Where it is be?”
“Where is what?”
“My……DNA is be?”
“Oh, your DNA is in every cell in your body.”
“In my hairs?”
“Yes.”
“In my nail?”
“Everywhere, every single cell has your own unique DNA.”
“I am like.”
“What do you like?”
“Unique.”