Whitterer on Autism

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Special Exposure Wordless Wednesday

Now is that exposed or protected from the sprinklers may I ask?

I take the advice of a pal!

Coincidence or not!

Cannot find the original Recipe for this "Million Dollar Shortbread" but this one is pretty "close."

In fact it may be even better due to the nuts.

Shall we make that pounds as the current exchange rate should be in my favour?

p.s. if you are a cat lover [don't tell me if you're not] then nip over and watch this "video." Caution = do not drink coffee at the same time. Kindly thanks to "Sam's Stories" for putting me straight, in a slightly wonky fashion.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Ruby Tuesday

Scroll down to next post for "Tackle it Tuesday"

Post anything red!

How could I resist?

See I do get homesick sometimes. Slavishly stitched by my mother's own fair hands for my delectation.

Cats on Tuesday!

I'm in heaven!

One Rascal being cuddled by another. [not a claw in sight from either party!]

Wise words for the day = ignore your paperwork for 3 months and then it is all so out of date you can simply recycle it. T

On second thoughts this should probably be a lazy person's guide to efficiency?

Mon - Tackle it Tuesday - Say it with flowers

I think it would be fair to say that I’m a bit of a Luddite on the quiet, or more accurately, technically challenged.

A computer is merely a glorified typewriter and somewhere to lose photographs. A cell phone is something that always needs charging and also hides photographs. This serves to remind me that I have my own special needs, but they could probably all be addressed by a crash course on ‘electronics for beginners.’

As the pace of life speeds up into hyper drive, I take heed of wise words from wise people. My first step is to tackle my spouse, or rather explain that my cup runneth over and I’m in dire need of a jolly big sponge. As is so often the case with the male of the species, he downloads into fix it mode.

“Do you still have that pager I bought you?”
“Pager? Oh….the one when I was pregnant with…..somebody or other?”
“Yes that’s the one.”
“Lummy I haven’t seen that since…..the last umbilical cord was surgically snipped.”
“What about the phone?”
“What about it?”
“Do you ever use it?”
“Of course, although I let most of the messages go to the answering machine.”
“No, not the land line, the cell phone?”
“Oh no, never use that thing if I can possibly avoid it. Anyway, I thought it was just for emergencies?”
“Did you ever manage to recover the data from you Palm?”
“Nope, died with the lap top hard drive and that was that.”
“Any luck changing the shutter speed on the camera?”
“Nope. Can’t find the manual.”
“You know……….you really need to get more organized.”
“?”
“I mean, ……nothing works properly.”
“User friendly my eye!”
“Exactly. I have enough trouble getting back to the basic codes because it’s all basically Linux based but you…….” He looks at me, the body that houses the tiniest working memory on the planet.
“Right!”
“Right?”
“I mean……..what time is it?”
“Er…….late. Dark.”
“Battery flat?”
“Yes, my watch has one of those little round flat batteries and I don’t know where to buy a replacement.”
“I’m off then.”
“Off? Off where?”
“To get you fixed.”
“Fixed as in mended, or fixed as in fixed up?” Or maybe something much worse!
He beams as he leaves which means that he goes to visit Fry’s which means he’ll be gone for hours which means I might as well give up and go to bed.

I do.

The next morning, early in the morning, whilst it’s still dark, because the children are on full charge, I charge downstairs to greet the coffee machine and small people, although in the opposite order.

I am rewarded for my opposite order.

At the coffee machine, where the cup normally fits, I find something else entirely, and no manual.

I squeeze my eyes shut, very tightly, to stop my automatic translator from functioning, as I know it represents several therapy sessions, countless grocery trips and several tanks of petrol.

Who need flowers matey!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Social Stories, enough or not enough information?

Or follow the link "here."

The "Gray Centre" and Carol Gray's "social stories," a non-profit.

Lots of children enjoy their own "stories," where their creative talents can blossom.

One day I shall remember to make some notes first!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Quickie

"Words" return to our household.

Details later, if time allows.

As a direct result, I see fit to stamp all over them.

****

“Oh WeinO!”
“No potty talk!”
“Oh Butt O!”
“Listen to me Sunny Jim. I said no potty talk!”
“Oh Wein Y !”
“I said no potty talk! Is anybody listening to me today!”
“Oh toilet paper Y!”

Horray!

Snippet - Little white lies and howlers

When toddlers first begin to lie it can be rather endearing to some "indulgent parents." Other parents, indulgent or otherwise, sometimes have to wait a little longer for such ‘skills’ to emerge, however wobbly.

It’s the sincerity that floors me:-

“It wasn’t me, it was a herd of "Wildebeest.”

I am a Snapdragon - this is "fun."

"Mischief is your middle name, but your first is friend. You are quite the prankster that loves to make other people laugh."

I am a
Snapdragon

What Flower
Are You?

I only cheated on one answer because I never phone anybody under any circumstances if I can possibly avoid it.

Handy hint of the day = how to avoid repetitive strain injury

Should ever manage to escape from your home for a nano second, make sure that you lock away your digital camera prior to departure.

Failure to observe this precautionary measure, means that you will have to waste an additional precious 20 minutes deleting hundreds of shots of primary colours from the chip or card, inducing some serious thumb ache.

Should you happen to find a portrait of a person rather than a primary colour............

perhaps you should stop moaning for a minute?

Just for the record, it's official, there is nothing more difficult to clean up than a dozen raw eggs.

Prompt meme

I stole this from "Lime" from "House of Lime" recently.

She notes, 'the idea is to write the first reaction you have to the prompt and don't change it. Consider yourself warned...'

Usually, my limit is seven, but I'll have a go. Rules are not really my thing.

1. My 'ex' is still....[now residing in Australia, a great distance away last time I checked]

2. I am listening to...Pokemon conversations.

3. Maybe I should... interpose and shoot for a non Pokemon conversation.[but they're too cute to interrupt!]

4. I love..........anchovies, anything in brine, chutneys, anything salty, I'm just pickled.

5. My best friend(s)......... live too damned far away.

6. I don't understand..........very much, and less with every advancing year.

7. I've lost my respect for..........never had any in the first place.

8. I last ate............a vat of espresso. [Hey it has crunchy bits, it's a solid]

9. The meaning of my display name is.... I believe they're both self explanatory, although I wish I'd started the name with '1A' rather than a 'W'.

11. Someday............I shall be alone, probably when I am dead.

12. I will always.............dither

13. Love seems to be..........pink in America.

14. I never ever want to lose............. teeth.

15. My mobile phone is..........mobile, out on a jaunt on it's own account.

16. When I woke up this morning........it was still dark, I fell out of bed and ran downstairs three at a time, at thrice the speed of light.

17. I get annoyed at/with.........just about everything.

18. Parties….......infrequently, unless you count home grown celebrations, just teeny tiny ones, every day.

19. My pets...........have behavioural issues.

20. Kisses..........hip bones and elbows, should progress to upper arm and rib cage as the years pass and height increases. For those who are dentally challenged, it is infinitely better to receive than to give, for both parties.

She doesn't mention tagging. Am I supposed to tag? How many people am I supposed to tag? Never mind, if you want to have a go, just let me know.

Meanwhile, should you be in need of a little "cheer," take a little "peek" at this quickie "video" and then cheer some "more."

Here are some other videos I found quite by chance, "Temple Grandin" et al including a "fabulous quote from Temple's mum." Thanks "Purple Medical Blog."

Cheers dears

Friday, August 15, 2008

Comment of the week Award

[Inspired by "Scribbit."]

The 'week' is a bit wobbly at the moment as I try and get ahead and write posts in advance. So this time the award goes to....

"Jess" from "Diary of a Mom" on this "post" about wisdom. Her wise comment was as follows:-

"my dad gave me a couple of gems ..

~never trust anyone who starts a sentence with “trust me…”
and when i set out on my first real date:
~”put a dime (now a quarter) between your thighs and when it falls out, use it to call home”
ah, good old dad ;)"

If you haven't visited her blog before I would recommend that a good spot to start would be on this post called "What I learned in Maine," but not if you have a fish allergy.

If you too have a glut of courgettes then this might be a useful link:-

Zucchini Fritters

From "Simply Recipes."

For the more adventurous you can split the batter into two. Add a teaspoon of toasted cumin seeded and Garam Masala to one half and a tablespoonful of Dijon mustard to the other half, then see which you prefer?

Some snipped Chives stirred into the sour cream or yoghourt is a good addition to consider.

A different way to cut down the salt, if you're so inclined is to put the courgettes in a sieve, layer with cling film and place a weight on top to squeeze out the water. I expect a round house brick would do just as well.

[good luck on finding one of those!]

They can also be cooked on a hot plate if you have one, like pancakes.

Cheers dears

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Emotional Quotient of a pin head

I rush around the kitchen like a thing possessed, prior to the arrival of our guests. It is already hot, so I must prepare now or pay later. Due to the heat, it is Nonna’s habit to wear a housedress, loose cotton comfort in outrageous 70’s colours.

It’s the only way. We fashion icons must stick together.

I reach above my head for a saucepan from the rack, which is mysteriously empty. I pause. My son is still silent, "mute" but hopefully voluntarily. I notice a footprint on the cooker where the pot of wooden spoons should be. Someone is trying to derail the cook, a conspiracy campaign no doubt.

Nonna appears in the kitchen, I beam “good morning, did you have a better night’s sleep?”
“Eh?”
“Sleep. Did you sleep?”
“Am I o.k.?”
“I don’t know. Are you?”
“Am I, you know……..?” She smiles hugely with a little shimmy.
I beam back none the wiser.
“I am dressed!”
“Ooo so you are.”
“So?”
“So?.......well done!”
“No…....am I….....….you know…...….o.k.?”

I push back my bifocals and take a better look at her, all dressed in immaculately laundered white, with a speck of childish innocence.

Oh of course! A special occasion! Guests!

“Yes, you look lovely.”

To see and hear someone who is the real deal when it comes to also psychobabble, pop along and say "hello" to "Bonnie."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

13 things to do as each day starts in 13 minutes

Thirteen Things about free advice

1. Finish dream.

2. Remove duct tape from eye lids.

3. Wake up between 5 and 6!

4. Drink vat of espresso in record time.

5. Sterilize "retainer."

6. Clean teeth, a 2 minutes timed exercise under "fear."

7. Save time. Multi-task. Clean teeth in shower.

8. Dress.

9. Skip make-up, apply Happy face of choice.

10. Shift into Cheerleader mode.

11. Adjust volume control

12. Last chance!

13. I'm Ready!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Snippet - Sugar Coated

“Come along guys, time for cereal!”
“Ooo I hate all dez chores!”

Anyone needed further words can go over "here" to my other site "alien."

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Potato heads and loose chips

I wash up at the kitchen sink.

Next to me, Nonna leans on the counter for a closer look at the gimmicky, techy photograph frame, the one with the chip and the constant rolling pictures.

“Where is dat one den?” she asks with a quivering pointy finger for emphasis. I lean to the left but I’ve already missed it.

“Um what was it of?”
“You know.”

I guess. As the current image rolls away and try to calculate which would have been the one before it? If there are 78 photographs on the chip and we’re about half way through, so they’re about three or four years old, so that would have been our trip to England so that would have been….
“Ooo what about dat one den?” she asks with a quivering pointy finger for emphasis.

I lean to the left but I’ve already missed it. “Um what was it of?”
“You know.”

I pout and reach for the sack of potatoes to peel so that I re-use the water, even though it’s still a bit tepid.

“What about dat one den?” I lean to the left and we bump shoulders accidentally and face each other. “Wot?”
“Um?”
“Dat one?”
“Er?”
“In your………..hand.”
“The potato.”
“The potato. What about the potato.”
“Is it American?”
“Er……yes……we’re in America…..I think it’s safe to say that this is indeed an American potato.”
“No!”
Beam me up Scotty!
“No?”
“I mean…..is it one of those……..what is it……begins with an ‘i’?”

I think. I think hard. What is a vegetable that looks like a potato but begins with an ‘i’? When Nonna’s son walks in looking ever so slightly dazed, I lean backwards, so that I can interrupt his path, stare at him and give him ‘the look.’ He startles in response, “what?”
I whisper, “if you don’t answer the next fifty questions I swear I won’t be responsible for my actions!” I wave the peeler in front of him for emphasis.
“Oh right. MORNING MUM!” he bellows putting an arm around her shoulders just to startle her.
“Be gentle!” I snap as she wobbles to regain her balance.
“Ooo what about dat one den?”
“Dunno.”
“I’m not askin you, I’m asking Maddy. Maddy, what about dis one den?”
I glare at her son who sputters, “well I don’t know do I?”
“Maddy, is dat a mouse picture?”
Her pronunciation of ‘picture’ is exquisite.

I relent.

I will explain the mouse picture to both of them for umpteenth time.
“Well…..it’s a VOLE……do you remember?”
“A what?”
“VOLE!”
“Oh yes. I remember you said dat. Was it really in the house?”
“YES.”
“How did it get dere den?”
“THE CAT BROUGHT IT IN AS A PRESENT.”
“Which one?”
“NOT THESE CATS, THE CATS WE HAD BEFORE, 5 YEARS AGO.”
“Oh yes. Jasper and Meadow. I remember. They were beautiful cats too.”

Sharp as a tack!

"! Idaho!"

A Souvenir from England

Yes it's a delightful pet rock. Maybe you could find a littler one?

O.k. if you can carry it then we'll pack it.

Oopsie, looks like that one won't be flying "international."

If by any chance you happen to have a free mo [and which one of us doesn't?] perhaps you could pop along and take a peek at this video about the use of the word "Retard" in the upcoming [already here?] movie called "Tropic Thunder."

Then, if you still have additional mo's, you might nip over in support of "ASAN" who are hoping to discourage the use of the "R" word. You might always just comment 'Rah, Rah, Rah' instead.

I know that free mo's are few and far between at this time of year but you can find the "back story and advice" if you nip over here to "Patricia E Bauer's" discussion.

The comments there are also especially interesting.

You may even wish to add your own opinion to the list, one way, or alternatively the other.

Best wishes

p.s. for a more comprehensive spectrum "Liz Ditz" from "I Speak of Dreams" covers the "start" to present development regarding the "R" word.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Brillante Weblog

"Frog's Mum" over at "4 Green and Speckled Frogs" has been kind enough to give me this natty little award! She certainly deserves that award after seeing that fabulozo "video." Bless his little cotton socks.....er......or maybe bare little tootsies that aren't webbed!

So first to "Carrie" at "Fully Caffeinated," I bet she drinks it by the vatful just like me. Is she ever "smokin hot!" Note casual use of American colloquialism!

Then to "Jess" over at "Diary of a Mom." I'm going to have to recheck this post as I keep muddling my 'mums' and 'moms' which probably means that someone's going to nip along at hit me with one of these pretty soon.

If you're new to her blog you might like to start off here at her post called "The Kandinksy is painted on two sides."

Then to "Velma" at "A Smeddling Kiss" If you happen to be a newbie, check out the "Savage Chickens" on her Sunday post. For some unaccountable reason I'm unable to link to that page directly?

Also for "Rhemashope" as the poor benighted woman needs a little sweetness in her life. Whilst I'm more of a crisps and nuts kindofagal, other people have different "cravings."

Then for "Tammy" or maybe just "Parker?" because little toes are always irresistible.

Also for "Melody" at "Melody is Slurping Life" because I need to ensure that she is fully obliged to deliver on her video promise. O.k. so it wasn't really a promise but we can always do with a dollop more guilt, right?

Then to "Dantes Inferno with Children" because she could do with the distraction either right now, or when she gets back.

Also to "Michelle" a lovely little peacemaker, would that we could all just get along and play nice.

Ooo it's like Piccadilly "Circus" around here. I must be well over the limit.

I must have second "Sight" or something? Maybe I should leave that skill to the "experts?" I should just "let it be," afterall, "is this what you do all day?"

But you know how it is, some people are just so much more "Magnetic" than others. Some other others struggle with "perfection" but always in the most diplomatic manner and just still "others" often "wonder." Maybe I've "Bitten off" more than I can chew?

So let the "Force" with us and lets not get "Flushed Away" with our enthusiasm, especially those "working" so hard and never "Fear" as we are here learning "together" and having a "ball."

Don't let your neurosis "run away without you" or have too many "nightmares." We certainly make up a very interesting "Mosaic." There really are some "phenomenal" tales out there you know?

Out of time now petals, but it's a great cure for "insomnia" I'd highly recommend it.

If I offend "anyone" I apologize but my numb is brain and someone close to me is still very short in the word department. And should you ever be down in the dumps or suffer a short rash of self pity then nip along and "Hi de ho there!" to your pal and "mine."

Cheers dears zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hello Again

"Hello again."

We love "Martha!"

So just lock me up and throw away the key.

Arte y Pico award

"The Excavator" over at "dark matter energy" a thoroughly high minded, not to say scientific blog[!] has very kindly awarded me this foreign thingy, because she knows that I am nothing if not a linguist.

Here are the rules: (from the Arte y Pico site itself)

1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contrubutes to the blogger community, no matter of language.

2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.

3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.

4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of "Arte y pico"blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5) To show these rules.

The original site is in Spanish.

Firstly to "Mama Mara" over at "Mama on the Edge," certainly a label I can relate to! If you are new to her site, you might like to start off here at "on the edge. " For those not in the know vanilla pudding is nearly Blanchemange, an important detail as you need to appreciate the goop factor.

Maybe "Brillig's" latest efforts to encourage us to play and tell "all" might help swing things along. In any event her blog always gives me food for "thought."

Also for "Mamampj" as it sounds as if she is in need of a little gentle encouragement over on "A Room of Mama's Own." Don't we all wish we had one of those!

Then for "The Poor Mouth" and his dark side [tee hee] or maybe his "lighter" side if you're a newbie coz we've just gotta love the kitties!

Also for "Pundit Mom" [oops almost used a 'u' by accident!] I've been neglectful of late, but she always makes me think and that's definitely worth an award in my over burdened brain. Maybe I'll see "Paris" in a whole new light?

And lastly to Suzy. She is an infuriatingly haphazard blogger who definitely lacks regularity. If I'm honest, I loathe reading her postings as they are excruciating journey. I only go there because some time soon I shall be able to claim a personally signed copy of her book. When I have that book, I will stuff it under my pillow unopened. Every so often, when I feel very brave I will open it and take a peek, read a line, or maybe two, but I'll make sure I am alone. Maybe, just maybe, I'll break my rule. I'll skip to the last page because just like everyone else on her site, we are all longing for a happy ending. "Suzy" at her site called "Identity Crisis." Don't worry if you can't think of anything to intelligent to say in the comments, I never can either but Suzy won't mind, she's a very forgiving kind of a lass.

If I see 'blogger currently unavailable' one more time today I may just have an "MB" of my own.

Meanwhile, if you're in need of a little "tlc" or something "deeper," pop over and say "hello."

Comment of the week award - be a twit in private

[Inspired by "Scribbit."]

Tricky this week as there's been so many brilliant comments from sparkley commentators and of course it's only Friday evening which doesn't really count as the end of the week depending upon you're one of those Saturday Night Feverish types or the pleasantly straightlaced Sunday nighters, not that I should wish to tie my colours to either camp.

Perish the thought!

So to............

Susanne over "here" So helpful, practical and big hearted, but would you believe it? The poor woman is blogless, what a state of affairs!

Thusly instead or rather also, the award goes to.....

"Amanda" for her comment "here"
which we can view as a 'how to not be a twit in public 101' which reads as follows:-

'For holding doors — I’d say don’t do it without asking. I just heard from someone who managed to become severely injured because they were disabled and had to go through doors their own way, someone held it open for them, and they fell through and crashed to the ground.

And every wheelchair user has stories about people who hold the door open but stand in a place where the person can’t get through it (and for those of us who can’t talk, we can’t necessarily do “excuse me” especially with our hands full).

If you get a grouchy reply — don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s probably just about the person having a bad day (maybe having had 20 similar conversations the same day and just being sick of it like anyone could get), not about you in particular.

What’s weird to me is how when I need help there’s usually nobody around, but when I don’t need help there’s five people grabbing at my chair and lifting it up off the ground to carry it who knows where (I’m serious). Just one of those weird things in life.'

and for helping us all understand a little better, until my next "blunder." Some of us just aren't safe inside or "out!"

Cheers dearies

Friday, August 08, 2008

Quicky Quirks

"Michelle" over at "Just a Minute" tagged me for this supposedly quick meme. Is she a big fat fibber or merely a white little liar?

Odd that she should pick me to tag for this one seeing as how I am completely quirk free, she must have muddled me up with some other oddity. People! Really!

Apparently, these are the rules:-

Rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged me.
2) Mention the rules.
3) Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about myself.
4) Tag six other blogger´s by linking to them.
5) Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that lets them know they’ve been tagged.

Here are my replies.

1. I always forget to do '5' as I'm no good at rules!
2. I wear my watch on my right wrist even though I am not left handed.
3. I used to be ambidextrous due to a long series of broken wrists and arms due to a spate of falling:- out of trees, off walls, into holes. The American term for this is Klutz. The English term for this is clot or butter limbs.
4. I used to have dark brown hair. Then I had steel grey hair with lots of wild wiry bits. Now I am a bottle blond bimbo, cap screwed on tight with lots of bims but very few bo's.
5. I am a multitasking supremo; swig vats of coffee whilst I do the laundry, twitter and whitter, therapize, hide and seek lost things, dead head the chickens and stuff the roses, all at once.

Now I tag the following victims:-

"Furiousball"
"LouCeel"
"Broken Man" coz I know you'd be great in the confessional!
"Linda"
"Hammer" who will no doubt demonstrate his very best politeness skills!
"David" coz he's always such a good sharer!
"Lime" because I meant to steal her last one but I never quite got around to it.
"The Blogess" although I suspect she a big too icey. If you have a mo nip over and check your neurosis "here."
"Angela" because I am rotten pal and more neglectful than I ever thought possible, and we may all learn something "useful" over "here."
"Franky" because she needs to get her crank started.
"Joke" because I think we're both fans of the 3 degrees or is that six?
"Steve" if he can put some clothes on first.
"Dulwichmum" as she gonna add some class! Yeah right!

Meanwhile I've taken "Frog's" mum's advice and staring at the ceiling.

Cheers dears

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Assertiveness training

My oldest son talks less frequently than some other children, but he does "talk."

When he was younger than he is now, people often saw fit to remark upon his early attempts at communication in a less than complimentary manner. Stutters and stammerers are used to such treatment. The struggles of speech production are rarely appreciated, merely mocked. Initially I was ill equipped to either retaliate or educate. I took solace in the lonely thought that "I knew otherwise." I knew that his instincts were "keen."

Empowerment is an annoying but popular word. As a natural born wimp from birth, at some moment on the journey I decided to adopt this approach for my own children, not the wimpy but the empowering. I would learn to speak up, not be mealy mouthed, challenge and stand tall, but I’m still practicing.

***

I launch into a monologue of the glories of one of our cats. His attractive appearance, skittishness and howling yeowl. I wax lyrical of his charms, more dog like than cat, more intelligent and delightful than the average feline.

My son takes a step towards me to look me straight in the midriff.
“Mom?”
“Yes dear?”
“It’s not nice to have favourites.”

Some people learn better than others.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Theory of Mind Challenge Game

Now you know "me," I wouldn’t be one to start a "trend" or anything so outrageous, but as I climb a new developmental curve, I think it’s only fair to "share."

This is “On the Psychologist’s Couch” time, or maybe the "psychologist's chair."

"Step into the shoes" of someone of significance in your life.
Try and imagine how they see your relationship with them, child or adult, their perspective.

Be as honest as you can.

I’ve chosen my "Mother in Law" because I sort of try to ‘do’ the children all the time.

No rush.

No pressure.

Lots of time!

If you’re up to the challenge, give me a tinkle on completion…........
er……...…?…......link or e-mail.

This will only work if you can imagine a very strong "Italian" accent. How we love the "Italians."

Whilst I have never asked her directly. [perish the thought!] But if you asked her what she thinks of me, she might say something like this:-

“I think she is basically a good woman and he could have done a lot worse if truth be told. I like her, you know, but I just think she spends far too much time cleaning everything. I’ve never seen anyone do so much cleaning, especially when everything is already clean. Why does she do that?

I know she’s trying to teach them good table manners but I just don’t see the point of a butter knife, it just makes more washing up. What's a few crumbs between family? Why does she do that I wonder?

I try to keep out of her way as she is always rushing around doing heaven knows what. I get my own snacks so as not to be a bother.

When she’s not cleaning she’s cooking. Cooking, cooking, cooking, I can’t think why, there’s only 6 or 7 of us? I always say ‘never trust a skinny cook!’ Then, if I take a little slice of bread, because you know I am a diabetic so I have to be careful, and she then runs after me with a plate in one hand, a dust pan and brush in the other hand, a cloth and a spray cleaner in the other hand because of course you know she thinks she has six hands or something.

I would say one thing though. She is very good at laundry. I make sure I take all my white clothes to America when I visit.

You know what they say, ‘a son’s a son til he gets a wife, but a daughter’s a daughter the rest of your life.’ I never had a daughter of my own so I don’t know if that’s true. I like her bog. She sends me it every day. It keeps me in touch when I am in England. Generally I don’t get on with women very much, but I think if you can tease someone, then maybe you can’t ask for much more than that.

It is a very noisy happy household, so I don't bother with my hearing aides. I can tell when she's yelling because her freckles seem luminous on that puce complexion.

I just wish she would slow down, you know, because at my age I know that life can be so very, very……..well, you know….........short.”

We love you Nonna, and thanks for doing the ironing, one chore I never do, coz you know I’m allergic to that!

We are not one

We split up. Divide and…….....hobble through. I take the child who has no words to the supermarket, for a mega shop before our guests arrive. To be fair, out guests are also very good friends. We could feed them Goldfish Crackers and water with no ill effects.

On arrival, after a unimaginably smooth transition, I read an item from the list aloud and he hurtles off with his telescope pinned to his eye ball, a game.

In less than 20 minutes we have a groaning trolly, overflowing at the check out. The bagger, a familiar face, is unusually cheerful. We exchange pleasantries. I notice him read the pull-up details and glance at my son, askew. He pops the paper prescription sack into a grocery bag, but not before checking for shop lifter additions and maybe the name?

For the first time ever, I notice that the bagger has a physical disability. I cannot decide if this is because I am abnormally distracted, abnormally undistracted on this particular occasion or completely unobservant. I mention my observation to him. I smile at him encouragingly, because we are all members of the same club, because I am an idiot. He winces because I am crass, inappropriate and extremely rude. With my ignorance caught on display, I cannot work out whether to apologise or simply shut up? I conclude that I am the one who is really not safe to be let out in public.

My son observes the checker with his telescope, in silence. I decide to move on although I’m not sure if it’s to hide my own embarrassment or his? “Are you going over to the Farmer’s Market tonight or is that considered treason?” I ask the bagger. He purses his lips in response. I feel waves of self pitying shame wash over me.

My son parks himself between my legs on the floor, horizontal, still in silent observation mode. Fortunately I wear trousers. As I struggle with payment I search for a life line. My son observes his own reflection in the mirror, which is strategically placed at floor level at an angle, thigh high, although I fail to comprehend the underlying strategy?
“Can I help you out with your bags today?” he asks in a tone that means the opposite.
“No thank you, my son will help.” We both look at my son who beams a toothy grin, which serves to say the day, for me at least.

Eye on the prize but close to the edge

I try to persuade my son to talk, but he has gone on strike. I leave the boys a mo whilst I think carefully why this should have suddenly happened, out of the blue. Although there are no words, the noise is filled with Pokemon noises. Nonna steps into the room, “they’re being very good, aren’t they?”
“It’s great to see them playing together.”
“Such dear little mice.”

I look at them pretending to be Charmeleon and Pikachu at battle stations, although not at war. The resulting din is an aural challenge, but only for me.

“Are you going to go and collect all those umbrellas in the garden?”
I can hardly make out her words nor make myself understood without going hoarse.
“Um…….yes…..maybe later.”
When the phone rings for the umpteenth time in one hour I let it go to the answering machine, so as not to break with tradition.
“You’re not going to do it now?”
“Um…..no…..I’m going to wait until they’re properly dry.”
“Did you know that one of those umbrellas is broken?”
“Is it? Oh dear.”
“What about this?” she flaps a piece of stale bread in front of me.
“Oh I’ll pop it in the bin.”
“What about the birds?”
“The birds?”
“Yes. Why don’t you put it out in the garden for the birds?”
“Um….well we do have several bird feeders but they’re all off the ground because of the cats.”
“Put it over then.”
“Over what?”
“Over the fence into the empty lot.” I look into the garden, maybe 25 yards to the fence and then back again. I watch her slice into the new fresh loaf on the counter with a paring knife. I check the children and the Pokemon and the siege. About 20 seconds if I really leg it. “O.k. back in a mo.”

In a mo I am back.

She brushes crumbs from the counter onto the bread board, sort of and then waves the board at me, “what about these then?” as crumbs scatter. She nods towards the fence thrusting the board towards me as a prompt. I check the family room for indications of escalation. “O.k. back in a mo.”

In a mo I am back.

I check the family room where other Pokemons have been roped in with string and scissors, which is possibly good.
“What about this then?”
“Um……”
“This peach stone.”
“Compost bin?”
“No……are you going to plant it?”
“Plant it? I suppose I could.”
“Are you going to do it now?”
“Now……er maybe later.”
“What shall I do with the stone then?”
“Er……just leave it on the counter, it’ll be fine.”
“Did you know that you left a spade outside?”
“Yes I haven’t quite finished planting yet.”
“Shall I put it away for you?”
“That’s kind but I was hoping I might get a chance to get out there later.”
“Am I wearing my hearing aids?”
“No I don’t think so.”
“What is the matter with you?”
“Pardon?”
“You’re not listening to me.”
“I am.”
“No you are not paying attention I think………what is the matter?”
“I’m just a bit worried.”
“Worried? Why are you worried?”
“He’s stopped talking.”
“Stopped talking?”
“Yes.”
“Bah! Don’t worry, he’ll talk soon enough. Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can.”

I ignore the phone and door bell simultaneously, it’s really very easy.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Three for the price of one

If you still need words, try over at "alien."

Coz I'm pooped.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Follow my lead or maybe hers?

I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t annoy me, but other people’s habits are just as ingrained as my own.

I don’t know how you get along with your mother in law but there are some fairly standard stereotypes associated with this relationship. Personally, I am greatly in favour of RDI. Not the RDI of autism but rather the RDI of Relative:Divorce Index, for those of us in the know. It’s just another one of those challenges that we have to tackle.

Part of my weekly routine is to dead head the roses on a Sunday morning, before it’s too hot and before we go ‘out.’ What with “one" thing and "another," my routine is off and petals brown on the bushes. It happens annually around this time of year, when the house is "full" and we slip into "holiday time."

During holiday time, it is Nonna’s routine to wander the garden in the early morning dew, during the breakfast mayhem indoors. As she walks, she snaps off the dead heads with her bare hands and drops them on the ground.

Inside we tackle each tortuous stage of our morning routine but out of the corner of my eye, I see those thorny dead heads amass, all ready to snare the unwary. The garden and "outside" generally, is already, and always has been, a challenge for the boys. The de-sensitization campaign is “ongoing." Currently his list of deadly weapons includes not only all things that could be termed ‘sharp’ but also a very wide range of rough textures. I know that later I shall have to test my own visual acuity to hunt down each and every one of those prickly spars, if I ever hope to have dinner outside.

I have no time to hunt as every minute of the day is already accounted for.

Rats!

Once breakfast is over, I combine clear up with supper preparation. I know that consumption of stuffed tomatoes is overly optimistic, but the food campaign is relentless. I leave them on the counter to come up to room temperature, ready to top, de-seed and assemble. Whatever happened to 'life is too short to peel a grape' or is it 'stuff an olive'?

In the heat of the season this doesn’t take long and all cooking must be completed prior to my own "meltdown."

The loose summer routine of summer days ticks forward. In between whiles I zip into the garden to scatter slug pellets with one hand and gather thorny twigs with the other. The plan is to zip for a few minutes in every one hour. 10 hours, ten handfuls and lots of "hand washing" until dinner.

We spend a considerable amount of time in the pool to decompress, cool off, therapize and fun. Lucky, lucky us.

As usual, I find that all of them are infinitely more coherent thereafter, calm, happy and on full beam.

“Hey Mom!”
“Yes dear,” I reply, not looking as I rub down his big brother with a huge sun crisped towel.
“Hey Mom!” he persists good naturedly. I look up. He stands next to the arbor in an ‘I’m a little tea pot’ pose. At the end of his spout is a perfect pincer grip, poised mid air. Across his face is a perfect cherubic grin. He reaches in towards the branch as I watch captivated, takes careful hold and snaps off a huge, woody thorn. I cannot read my own facial expression but it’s enough to send him scampering towards me with one outstretched rigid arm. He brakes in front of me as I’m kneeling. He lifts it to my nose for closer examination. I see his eye balls cross in concentration with his hot breath wafting over my face, a thorn between two buds. “You my son are the very bravest one!” I beam and break the spell.

He skips off with his prize as I hobble inside with his brother and his jelly legs wrapped up burrito style. I park him on the hardwood floor, vertical, feet end down as he wobbles to gain his balance. I lean on the kitchen counter and wait. His gyro kicks in and the towel is kicked off as he escapes. As I look down I notice a tomatoe is missing. I look across to the table, to Nonna enjoying a diabetic snack, “they’re very good these, did you know?”

I pout.

I think.

Maybe, if I am very lucky I will be granted the chance to visit my own married son, in the future. Perhaps in a foreign land. I might have brief glimpses of him during his very busy life. I will remain at home all day, every day with my daughter in law for two months solid.

I hope she's not a pouty little Madam? That would be so annoying.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Monday, August 18, 2008

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Friday, August 08, 2008

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Monday, August 04, 2008

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