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Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Where did I leave my Sanity pack?

I climb into the shower to cleanse. [translation = remove the crusty mascara on my temples, disguising the grey hair] I assess the causes for the sudden laundry explosion? Are they even dirtier and more accident prone? [translation = expunge negative implications]

I wrap my dressing gown [translation = robe] an little tighter and wiggle my toes deeper into the fluff muffs [translation = slippers {sub translation = ‘in house’ footwear of a casual nature}] Inches of exposed flesh remind me, that technically it is Winter. [translation = it is a bit of a stretch to say that California has seasons}] As usual, my American pals are steaming ahead, [translation = making progress] whilst other, less efficient personages [translation = foreigners] are lagging way behind on the trajectory towards the ultimate goal of the Holidays. [translation = period of time where persons of different faiths and shopoholics celebrate the season] My progress is impeded by four birthday celebrations during December; my mother, father, youngest son and youngest daughter. Were it not for these milestones, I am confident that I would be well ahead of the hunt. [translation = cunning fox]

As it is, I am bogged down [translation = hampered] by these events that must be marked. [translation = given due deference] I remind myself that I am an American. [translation = I do not lie] I determine to tuck my negativity under the sofa cushion along with junior’s treasures, and adopt a more positive line. [translation = groan inwardly with the effort] Commence flipping:

1. Children acknowledge seasonal change and need for warmer clothing. [translation = more in tune with the world at large]

2. Children are larger [translation = somebody must be eating something] and heavier. [translation = which is a self reinforcing reminder to me not to carry them]

3. Increased tolerance for clothing and textures. [translation = the nightmare transition from short trousers to long trousers has been eradicated {sub translation = no naked knees}]

4. Warmer clothing, on bigger people, with many layers results in laundry explosion. [translation = be still my beating heart, there is a logical explanation, sanity restored]

I am now mentally exhausted from this ‘flipping’ extravaganza, [translation = turning things around] and so decide to spread a little misery across the world by writing my holiday cards. [translation = torture foreigners with a different cultural perspective]


AshleyLeo said...

LOL. It's quite mind boggling how I can't seem to remember that kids get bigger. I've been in denial for 2 years now about the kids' dresser (they share). I can't fit it all in any longer! I have crates next to it filled with clothes I can't smush in. I must shop for another dresser!

Oye vey, those transitions into warmer clothes aren't fun here. Both kids prefer to be shoeless. House rule - shoes must be on for outside if it's 30 degrees or less.

Love the term fluff muffs!

Anonymous said...

When my kids were little, they had matching dressers. Then those started overflowing, and I gave them both to my son (who is older) and bought a nice flowery feminine dresser with plenty of space for my daughter's clothes. It seemed like plenty of space for a few weeks, anyway.

After that I got smarter and turned into Mom the Grinch. I made them get rid of their outgrown clothing regularly and wash their own clothes. Daughter had to stand on a stepstool to reach into the washer because she was only 7 when she started washing her clothes, and sometimes when the kids got imaginative a stuffed animal or two had an unfortunate adventure and got sucked down the Deadly Whirlpool of the Washer, but for the most part it worked out well.

mommyguilt said...

At least you have a legitimate excuse for not being on top of the holiday ball. I'm so far behind I can't stand it. I have most of the gifts ordered (I refuse to go to the stores this time of year unless I absolutely must), and am hoping they arrive in time.

As for holidays, and getting in as many as possible, I must say I am a bit jealous that we don't celebrate Boxing Day or, if the American Government (tranlation = morons) doesn't want it to be the SAME holiday as the Brits, then we could call it "Day After Christmas and We're all Too Exhausted to do Anything Day".

Best wishes to your birthday family!! Warmer clothes, California = minimal seasons - let me leave you with a much more comforting thought: Here in Chicago, it's about 8degrees this morning. BRRRRRRRRR

Glad to hear the clothing transitions went well!

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