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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Don’t try this at home

Your mission, should you care to take it………is to herd three children from the school yard [translation = playground] to the car parked by the curbside at a distance of a mere 50 yards from where you currently stand?

Recipe – take two people, one adult and one child. Ready? Stand together so that as much of your body is in physical contact with the other. [translation = it doesn’t matter whether you’re front to back, back to back etc.] This is your starting position. Set? [translation = get ready] It is now the smaller person’s duty to rotate around the larger body, whilst remaining in physical contact at high speed. Go! The bigger person must now walk towards the car whilst the other continues to rotate.

The smaller person must move their feet with greater agility to avoid entanglement. [translation = a bit like French skipping] Additionally the smaller person should repeat a phrase of three words continuously, preferably rhyming, at just the right pitch and at 50 decibels in order to ensure that the adult brain is incapable of functioning.

Now, would be the ideal time for the small person to stick their head under the upper garment of the adult such that flabby female flesh is exposed to those who look on bewildered. It will not help to yell ‘proprioceptive input’ at the aforementioned audience at this time. [translation = or any other time come to think of it]
Continue thusly in the general direction of the car.

Additional garnish – choose from the following [wisely] –
Hold the hand of the child that falls down a lot.
Ensure that you haven’t left the third one behind.
Be aware of personal belongings, yours and theirs.
Add crowd.
One pinch of noise [wide choice available to tune into or out of]
A smattering of well wishing comments from friends.
Traffic safety persons [with whistles]

Yes, it is ‘oh so cute’ when they are two, maybe three, but at six and a half, the general public do not vote this way. They register deviant and give a wide berth to the spectacle.

Repeat as necessary, [translation = daily] until phase passes or a suitable ‘intervention’ can be manufactured.

It would probably be wrong for the adult to break free at this point and run away, right?
[translation = where is a trampoline when you need one?
Why isn’t there a swimming pool there instead of a storm drain?
Why didn’t I bring his weighted vest?
Don’t you dare carry him!]


kristina said...

And don't forget the car keys in the midst of it all----

mjsuperfan said...

Are you ever tempted to put them both on roller skates and just drag them? This thought always occurs to me when I get brave enough to walk somewhere with one of my guys.

gretchen said...

My sons would love those Batman pajamas!

And I'm glad to know other kids who put their heads under mom/dad's shirts! Henry really gets stuck on that sometimes- follows us around tugging on our shirts.

Anonymous said...

Satans Spawn is 28 months and has been weaned from bfing for 7 months, however he is still keen on the *idea* of breastfeeding and at inopportune times does love to stick his hands down and twiddle with the nipple fondly.

It's a little startling when one takes ones infant cherub at his 150 mile an hour pace and he starts grabbing the staff who seem to be endowed suitably at the photo place *beats hasty retreat mumbling appolagies*.

I wont even begin to describe the absolute loathing I have for shopping centres and those damn stupid cars they have with blinking light, each and every one creates a meltdown of such catastrophic porportions that onlookers comment on how undisciplined and badly reared he is. Mental note, have shopping centres ban all wheeled vehicles so that mums of Autistic kids can shop, better yet schedule meltdown hour where no one else is shopping. Somehow i don't think thats ever going to happen...

We wont even mention the joys of getting the infant into a carseat, or the joys of explaining to the policeman that the child will not sit, will not be strapped but he will wave at all wheeled vehicles which is why his two year old toddler hand caught thier eyes from the front seat of the car, and they wondered at my *attitude* to the 225 dollar fine and my begging them to put him in said carseat without grevious bodily harm to him or themselves.

I just wonder what joys tomorrow will bring. Still as I watch him sleep I see my perfect angel who is perfectly him, and wouldnt change a thing. Great battles often bring great compensations.



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