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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Engineering perfection

Two of my four children to not like the ‘great outdoors.’ [translation = my autistic boys] In order to overcome, or at least ameliorate this obstacle, we have been working on a campaign to desensitize them. [translation = since each was able to walk]

Timing is crucial, but that aside there are many other temptations available to the wily parent. [translation = deviant] I select my lures with great care, ensure that everyone has protective clothing on, [translation = sunglasses, baseball caps, clothing to the wrist and ankle] add preferred snacks in a shady corner and I’m just about ready.

I run through my check list. What might I have either forgotten or overlooked? Nothing. Perfection has been achieved. [translation = everything is in my favour] I gather the troops and advice of forthcoming proceedings. Two faces scowl back at me. [translation = it’s still a transition and we hate transitions] My daughter skips out into the garden and calls to her brother’s with glee. [translation = an added bonus] “Hey, come and look at THIS guys! It’s awesome!” The boys step out in the garden with caution, I lag behind a second or two to grab a couple of extra, extra towels for security. I hear them through the open window.

“ooo, what is it being?”
“I fink dey are dancing!”
“Squirming more like!”
“No, no, no, dey are makin dah babies! Look dere bodies, dey are wriggling, wriggling, wriggling!”

I dash out into the garden, tripping over towels, to see all three of them in the glaring sunshine, not in the shade. Not in the carefully designed spot that I have been perseverating upon all day.

They peer into the open bag of Bonemeal, that I accidentally left out in the garden a couple of days ago during my latest planting spree. I take a step towards them, gingerly.

“ooo, looky, looky, looky! Dey are all whitey!”
“No, no, no! Dey are not white dey are creamy translucent.”
“They’re pretty slimey!” [translation = reciprocal speech is when you respond appropriately and on topic in response to what someone else has said rather than going off on a tangent of your own e.g. Pokemon are winners]

I take another step closer, jam my sunglasses onto my nose and take a deep breath. I peer, with half closed eyes at the contents of the bag. I can hardly bear to look. I know I should have put it back in the garage. I should have been more careful watering. I should have closed the bag, sealed the bag, put the bag in another plastic bag to avoid sogginess. I can feel my stomach heave.

“I’m gonna be calling mine ‘Jiggle’ and I’m gonna be writing his name wiv curly wurly ‘G’s.”
“I’m gonna…..name him…….trans, trans, trans,….George cos he’s a very curious one.”
“They’re too many to give them all names guys!”

I watch the surface of the bag ripple. What is the conversion rate of one 10 pound bag of organic Bonemeal to wildlife?

“ooo, I love dah little guys!” he guffaws with laughter and slaps his knees.
“I fink we could, we should, we might …..be putting dem in the bo, box, er……aquarium so dat dey can be our new pets!”
“That’s a great idea! Good job! I hope Rascal and Unis like em too! I hope they won’t eat em like the lizards. Perhaps we ought to put a top on this time. What do you think Mom?” she looks at me expectantly.

If they think I’m going to have a tank full of maggots on the dining room table, then think "again."


Phoebe said...

Oh, my, goodness.

I am squirming in my seat here in a huge fit of the heebie jeebies. SHUDDER.

Kids and bugs. BLEAH.

Melissa said...

LOL!!! Reminds me of the time my son wanted to keep some slugs in the house so that they wouldn't get sunburns....

momof3feistykids said...

C'mon mom! No maggots in the dining room? *Laughing*

Frogs' mom said...

Oh no! And I thought all of the spiders in our house this spring were bad! Got to love the uncorrupted enthusiasm of kids!

Heidi said...

wow, joint attention! I shall try that one. Maggots, bugs, bring it on! Lovely. *shudder*

Joeymom said...

Put a good top on, and you can talk about the maggots turning into flies...

Yeah, that'll go over REALLY well, I bet. ;)

chrisd said...

The bone meal turned into maggots? Is that what happened? (I never heard of that nor do I use bonemeal on my garden)


At least they weren't terrified or screaming in fear.

Bleah is right!

Jessica said...

Gross! Isn't funny what kids find? Yuck!

GClef1970 said...

Even though I could clearly see the foreshadowing, I still laughed out loud when you gave the punch line of maggots! Thanks for the much-needed giggle today!

Domestic Goddess said...

Sorry, no maggots here. We've gotten crickets in the basement and he wants to keep those as pets. No way in heck!

mysamiam said...

I knew the maggots were coming, just didn't want to envision it. I must say, that as a mother of boys, we too have a tadpole, almost a frog now, in the boys bathroom right. Sam has an ant farm in his room. We have two Robin's eggs that fell into one of my planters outside, and the boys think they are going to take care of and they will hatch it(never mind that goo is ooozing out of them). Ahh, the fun of summer has just begun.

I keep forgetting to tell you that I love reading your posts and "translations", they always make me smile!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Ooooh, you used the word 'ameliorate.' I choose YOU as my next Scrabble buddy.

My oldest daughter picked up acorns and decided to save them in her box of Barbie clothes. They hatched little squirmy wormy things and infested everything in the box. Invertebrates do not look good in sequined Barbie evening gowns. Trust me.

Laura said...

That's too cute! (Yes, I used the word cute to describe a story about maggots! What has become of me?) I'll remember not to leave out bone meal (not that I have any) as a result of this cautionary tale!

purple_kangaroo said...

Maybe you could find them some nice friendly earthworms? We currently have a hamster and a frog (not in the same cage) and mealworms and crickets to feed them.

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