England, my England! [one]

I find that I am so used to the political correctness of my adopted country that I completely forget that it is otherwise elsewhere. [translation = senility advances] I am reminded of what I take for granted, by visiting home. [translation = England for a fortnight]

We’re on a tight schedule [translation = timetable] and visit friends for lunch. Because we are on a tight schedule, our friends also have other friends for lunch at the same time. [translation = three couples plus our children] This is a fortunate turn of events because we all know that our friends’ friends, will be our friends too.

After lunch, I help my friends clear the table. The kitchen is awash with the dirties. I excuse myself for a moment and nip to the loo. [translation = restroom] The window is open as I wash my hands at the sink. [translation = ear wigging is one of my many more reprehensible habits.] I can hear my friends’ friends talking on the patio outside. I idle. I listen. [translation = ear wig]…….

“Do you think his head has anything to do with it?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well it is unusually large, don’t you think? You only have to look at the two of them side by side and it’s obvious. He has a huge head. It's like a medicine ball. I’m sure there was a study out about head size and other abnormalities.”
“Yes, now you come to mention it, I do remember hearing something like that too.”
“They’re quite sweet though.”
“Yes.”
“Quiet though.”
“Hmm, don’t have much to say for themselves. Need to learn to speak up for themselves.”
“Do you think that’s the speech delays or are they just shy?”
“Difficult to say.”
“She said they’re ……..getting better or something or other.”
“Hmm, well that’s a mother for you I suppose.”
“If that’s better, then what do you suppose they were like before for goodness sake!”
“One hardly dares imagine.”
“There’s that nice school down the road from where Frederick and Felicity live.”
“What one would that be then?”
“Oh you know. School for the deaf or something, but I think they take all disabled children.”
“Well that would be bound to help. Anything to get them to talk surely. They must be experts at helping speech, don’t you think.”
“Well it’s looking a gift horse in the mouth if you ask me.”
“Why does she keep banging on about occupational therapy though?”
“No idea! I mean really! They can walk. It's not as if they're really, properly disabled. They look perfectly normal to me!”
“Just ordinary children really. Mind you, the older one’s a bit…well, er…how can I put it kindly? Er ….floppy.”
“They call that a Klutz in America. What a dreadful word!”
“Oh right! A bit of a butter fingers.”
“Hmm. The other one is so……….busy.”
“Oh yes, right. Busy. Busy as a little bee, buzzing around. The energy of the young.”
“I know.”
“She’s quite a little madam.”
“Who?”
“The daughter.”
“I know! But parents do tend to over compensate when one, ….well two children are, er, abnormal.”
“Quite.”
“Can’t blame them really.”
“No………..I suppose not. They’re not doing her any favours though, molly coddling her like that. They’ll pay for it in the end, ultimately. Spare the rod and all that.”
“They’d be so much better off back here, with family support, friends and such.”
“Indeed.”
“Better to be amongst your own people.”
“Oh yes, definitely. Nothing like home when you’re in trouble.”
“And are they ever in trouble!”
“Do you think they realize?”
“Must do, surely.”


.............. well we surely realize something! [translation = ain't that the truth]

To be fair, these kinds of 'friends' exist in all countries. I prefer these kinds of "friends," that Estee Klar-Wolfond over at the "Autism Acceptance Project," but maybe that's because they're global.

Since bias against one's country is reprehensible, I also speak from the other side, over "here."

Parenting styles- does culture effect the incidence of autism?

I may have deviant children but their problems are exacerbated, indeed caused, by their parentage. Autistic children shouldn’t be cursed with British parents, they should be nurtured by American ones, or failing that, Italian would do. If I had different children, I would be a perfect parent, or at least a perfect British parent. My children would be silent and well behaved. They would be silent and well behaved or they would spend their lives in the coal cellar. If I had known in advance that California had no coal cellars,then I would certainly have chosen another State to live in. There again, when we arrived, we had no idea that breathing the air and drinking the water would result in fertility for an aged person.

As it has turned out, my children are extremely fortunate to have been born in this country, mainly because we parents have been forced to re-assess our parenting style and adopt an entirely new course. Now if they hadn’t of been autistic we could probably have got away with the old style, but that style, is a particularly bad match for an autistic child = ‘You want me to be quiet? Fine, no problem, I’m more than happy, if not happier, if I never have to communicate with you verbally ever, that suits me just fine and don’t worry about the coal cellar, it’s an ideal spot for me, nice and dark and quiet and I can bury myself under half a tonne of coal, couldn’t be much more perfect. You think this is punishment, well you’d dead wrong, I’m as happy as lark in here, now just shut the door, go about your business and leave me in peace, preferably alone, for as long as you possibly can.’

That’s not the kind of reaction I anticipated. I expected compliance. These days, I don’t expect compliance, in fact I have no expectations whatsoever, it’s much better that way, because every now and again, they’ll tease me with a choice morsel, a tantalizing little possibility that we can approximate what is considered to be ‘normal.’ Luckily, life is so confusing these days, that I have lost track of what ‘normal’ is. Indeed I doubt whether 'normal' is up to snuff. [translation = worth having in the first place]

But American parents do it so naturally, without effort, as if they’ve absorbed parenting skills from the cradle, which is very humbling for the rest of us. If an American person has an autistic child, then they have a head start on dealing with the situation. Not so the Brit. Take a simple request; “Nigel dear? Would you mind terribly taking the cutlery over to the sink for me, when you have a free moment, no rush, don’t put yourself out at all?” This to an autistic child? I don’t think so. You’re not going to get very far with that line, especially if the child is American, as they won’t know what ‘cutlery’ is for a start. [translation = flatware / silverware, though not necessarily made of silver]

Secondly, if there is a speech delay, there are just far too many words, irrelevant words, with a whole clutter of superfluous politenesses, that are lost on anyone not originating from the Mother country. If you couple this with a soft tone of voice, often barely audible, and zero eye contact, you can see that even the very best of children, autistic or otherwise, aren’t going to pay much heed. 'And jolly good thing too!' I hear you cry. None of that mealy mouthed rubbish [translation = trash] for us, we do it the right way, hunker down, gain attention and eye contact, speak clearly and directly, in simple sentences, in an authoritative or excessively cheerful tone, because whatever it is, it’s going to be exciting and fun and we all want to do it, right?

If you can throw in a few hand gestures and the right body language as well, then all power to you, but that’s probably only for Italians or those who have graduated to the advanced degree of parenting. With a typical child, you’re right on. With an autistic child, at the bare minimum, you have at least touched on the chance of success.

Brits are severely disadvantaged by the prevalence of stiff upper lips, which means that the mouth doesn’t move very much, which does not captivate an autistic audience. We’ll gloss over the teeth issue for now, as I see no point in complete destruction with one dental reference.

Suffice to say, that the ‘hands off’ icy approach of many Brits, exactly matches the 'apparent' attitude of many an autistic child. Many of them don’t want to be touched anyway, so you’re just playing into their hands, as it were, or in effect, permitting them to keep their hands, and indeed their whole beings, separate and unsullied by too much demonstrative affection. Other autistic child who may crave physical contact, are going to come up short too.

With the refrigerator mothers theory, a la "Bettelheim - [fascinating but grim]" rearing it's ugly head again, I am inclined to believe that his samples must have been Europeans. Autism may not be genetic but more cultural genealogy? But Europeans are such a mixed bag that it would be mistake to damn the Italians, Irish, Spanish, Portuguese and French in one fell swoop. Perhaps then, it is the more Germanic types that we need to condemn? But they are not known for their reticence. What other country's culture can we blame? Perhaps we need to plot cultural differences throughout the world to see where they proliferate?

Even if we could trace back the cultural differences to Europe and then track them across to the States for a longitudinal study, I think that they would be been watered down and transformed by experience, or is that just the old nature v. nurture controversy?

Fortunately for you, most Brits have no other option but to convert, otherwise what’s the point of being here? However, some people are more pig headed than others, they hold out for a decade, waiting for Americans to revert back to colonial days.

Now those are the people who really benefit from having autistic children, not to mention any names of course. Better late than never.