Another fruitless conversation?

[from a few weeks back]

I decide that although senior son has no temperature, [translation = has recovered] he would benefit from a little recouperation time. [translation = recharge the batteries to full capacity rather than sending him back to school with low energy reserves]

I notice that he seems to take [un]natural delight in taunting his siblings, “I am ill, [translation = sick] I stay home, you go school. Bye!” he says with glee.

{sub translation = sick equals vomit, so Americans go around telling everyone ‘I am vomit today.’ If only they knew!}] His siblings depart disgruntled, no doubt concocting plans to contract some contagious disease rather than learn anything whilst at school.

He is definitely better, not energetic, but vertical. I try to think how we can use our day, so that whilst it remains ‘enjoyable’ it doesn’t end up causing me pain. [translation = he has so much fun at home that he then refuses to return to school] I consider reading to him. It's a compulsory menu item anyway, but maybe I could increase the frequency?

The cats gambol around the newly erected Holiday tree. [translation = in the house for almost a week now and only decorated with lights] A light bulb moment!

“I know! How about we start decorating the tree?”
“You are talking to me?” Good referencing even though we are alone. Everyone else is at school or at work.
“Yes, I’m talking to you dear.”
“Oh. What you say again?” Perfect! If in doubt ask for help. [translation = reiteration or translation ]
“How about we start decorating the tree?” [Translation = don’t change the original question as it causes unnecessary confusion] Pause. Wait. Count to fifteen with ‘ands,’ as this is an averagely good day with little interference. [translation = sibling demands]
“Tree? What tree?” I refuse to sigh, I keep my face neutral.
“This tree dear.” I stand aside to reveal the 12 foot tree, three inches behind me, bedecked in multi-coloured lights that are blazing.
“Oh! That tree!” What other tree could he possibly have been thinking of? [translation = such negative considerations are not helpful]
“Shall we start putting decorations on it?”
“Why?” Oh dear, here we go. [translation = become tied up in semantics. {sub translation = tree remains naked}]
“Because it will be fun.”
“Fun for who?” A pertinent question as always.
“For both of us. We can do it together, just you and me.”
“Together?”
“Yes.”
“You and me?”
“Yes.”
“Fun?”
“Yes.”
“You are sure it is fun?”
“I am.” He pauses to digest this information. Patience, patience, it’s coming, it’s coming, keep counting. [translation = don’t forget the ‘ands’ as he’s processing multiple factors] His hands slowly move to his hips, he adopts a jaunty stance, flips back a hank of hair with a jut of his chin to advise me, “Well….I can see that maybe it is fun for you…….but not for me……but I will hep you anyways.”
I resist the urge to squeeze him tight for his magnanimity. Although, no doubt, he would enjoy the proprioceptive input, on the whole, positive praise and reinforcement has unfortunate consequences. That's my fix for the day!

Shell game

I reconsider my ban on straws. [translation = drinking straws] They are no longer permitted to drink every drink [translation = beverage] with a straw regardless of temperature or content. No longer will I need to explain that although they are drinking hot chocolate that a straw is compulsory, not bizarre. Enough of this lip closure hogwash. [translation = jaw muscle strengthening technique] I am single handedly responsible for three life times worth of disposable plastic straws. Admittedly as yet, they are short life spans, but threatening to be terminated prematurely. I need gain control of this environmental crime.

But in punishment for such an arbitrary rule change on my part, I now have to endure the sight of them missing their mouths on regular occasions. Additionally, the increase in laundry is another punishment to the rule changer.

I mean! How can you miss your mouth? It’s not as if it relocates itself somewhere else about your person without warning? It’s a permanent fixture. If it were there this morning, it is likely to still be there later in the same day. Possibly, if you’re very lucky, it will still be there the next day, and every other one thereafter.

Toddlers and others with ‘Learner’ plates, are permitted to have a few accidents, but those of us advanced beyond the age of five, should accept that this is a given.

I blame speech therapy myself, all this multitasking isn’t good for children such as mine. They can talk, they can drink, but not both at the same time; it’s too distracting, too confusing. It they continue to try to talk and drink at the same time surely they’ll all drown? There again, if they keep missing their mouths and filling their laps instead, perhaps I am worrying unduly.

There is no hidden agenda, your cake hole [translation = mouth] is in the middle of your face. There is no conspiracy theory here. What is the problem? Why are you making such difficulties for yourselves?

I am exasperated to the point of wrath, driven to an early grave: “here lieth a woman buried beneath a multitude of failed campaigns, and far to many plastic straws that are non biodegradable.’

I stomp away from the table to make a quick cup of coffee to restore my sanity. The coffee gurgles. My body moves on automatic pilot, a smooth, efficient flow of movement. I grab the carton from the fridge, line up the cup, but my brain fails to register as I miss and pour the milk into the sink.